Below is a raw transcript from the audio recording by
Al-Anon Jane H. in 2019.(Click to go back)
Thank you, Thomas. Kathy, I'm going to ask you please to time. We're supposed to talk for 45 minutes. I don't know if that's possible, but if you could give me a five minute warning in the event I go there. First of all, I would like to thank Embarr. I would like to thank AA, and I would most especially, please don't get mad at me, like to thank Good Morning Carmilla.
I am sort of the resident Alonon mascot, if you will, at this open morning meeting. We live somebody's man. We live mostly in Denver, Colorado, but we do have a small home here, and so when we're in town most mornings you can find myself and my husband at the meeting. I'm also sort of a little awestruck because I don't know how many of you know this, but in 1997, the kickoff keynote's Friday night speakers were Dr. Paul and his wife Max. Max was from Alonon.
Dr. Paul is the alcoholic who wrote the very famous, in my opinion, page 417 of the Big A book on acceptance. So it's sort of an aw that I am here. Anyway, okay, next, this is me. This is not Alonon. This is just Jane's version of Alonon.
So that's my. . . Oh, I'm sorry. Hello, I'm Jane from Alonon. Can you tell I'm just a little nervous?
Okay. Anyway, what I'm going to talk about next is sort of like my PSA, my public service announcement, because for some of you, you may never have been to an Alonon meeting. Oh, see, this is going to be bad. Anyway, my husband's original sponsor was named Renee. We were up in Canada. I'll talk about that angel later.
His wife, I never met her. I have no idea what her name was. She went to one Alonon meeting. She said she would never go back. All they did was sit in complain and say, oh, aren't they horrible? Oh, aren't they hideous?
Oh, aren't they. . . That is not a healthy Alonon meeting, in my opinion. Once again, this is just about me. When I started, I started up in Canada.
This is the welcome I was given. Now, keep in mind, when I went to that first meeting, probably first couple of meetings, I couldn't have told you what they said. I was just sobbing. I was at literally the Kleenex and the refrigerator state thinking what was, you know, and I could have had Billy Joel on one side and Robin Williams on the other, and nothing, nothing would have been funny, absolutely nothing. So anyway, Alonon is about hope and healing. It is the program that you focus on you, not on the alcoholic.
It is the program that teaches you how to take care of you without hurting other people. One of ours, you're not supposed to call and promise is, I don't care. I call and promise it. At the very end, it's one of my favorite. We stand for our own integrity without taking away the integrity of someone else, and that to me is really important because as I go through this more, you'll see for me, this is not about who's right, who's wrong. This is more about how can we both become healthier together.
So anyway, continuing with my public service announcement, Alonon asked that you attend six meetings. The reason for that, if you're like me, you couldn't even hear just about the first five because you're crying the whole time. So then you begin to understand plus, they're all different. They all have the same principles, the same traditions, the same steps, but they go about it in different ways. Some are book studies, some are slogan meetings, some are step study meetings. It just depends, and you find what fits for you.
They say we have the three seeds. We did not cause the alcoholism. We cannot control it nor can we cure it. I have tried to do the latter two, and I have failed miserably. Most people that come into an Alonon meeting, they've already tried the latter two. They've tried to control it.
They've tried to cure it, and it hasn't worked. In fact, if anything, it's made it worse. I always like to add, and this is really the only original thing I'll say just about tonight. So anyway, I like to add that there's a four C, and that C is choices. You will learn, no one will give you advice, but you will hear people say, I tried that. That didn't work very well.
I tried that. I had some moderate results with that, or I tried that, and it worked the best. Usually that means I kept my own business to myself, and just kept my opinion to myself. That's usually pretty good. One thing that to me is almost like the benchmark of the transformation for an Alonon is that when you go to an Alonon meeting, you will hear that the AMA recognizes alcoholism as a disease. It is not, oh, if you only love me more, oh, if she had better character, it's simply a disease.
And what I recommend at those meetings, I tell the newcomers, go to the open AA meetings. You will sit there, and you will hear the man or the woman who's lost their child in a child custody battle, and they're sobbing. They love their children. They just can't stop drinking yet. That's what I would say. Alonon uses similar things like the AA programs.
We have steps. The only difference is in step 12, we say others instead of alcoholics. That's the only difference in the 12 steps. We have literature, and we have sponsors, and we have sponces that are absolutely wonderful angels. So with that, I will now move into my story. Remember, we focus on me, not on him.
He comes later. Okay? This is all about my disorder, my distorted thinking, my reactions, my, my, my, me, me, me. Okay? I was born in St. Louis, Missouri.
I'm the oldest of five children. At the present time, I am on good terms with all four siblings. A lot of that I credit to this program. When I was growing up, and this could get dicey here, my father was a violent man, so there was a fair amount of violence in our family. And there were a couple other things. I had a brother who was exactly a year younger than I am.
He was severely burned when he was six years old, 93% of his body, and third-degree burns. Work Catholic. He went to extra-function twice, which is last rights. He's alive today, and he is kicking away. So he just retired from American Airlines after 39 years as a pilot. So he's had a pretty remarkable life.
But anyway, it affected our family, you can imagine. Also, my mother, and she was an angel, and she's up in heaven as an angel. But she did not want any responsibility, bless her heart. And she found me. She grew me very early to be the Alonon person in her life. Just simple things like when one of my younger sisters, and I'm sorry, started to become a woman.
And she came out and said, mom, what's going on? She said, don't worry. Jane will tell you. Jane will take care of it. And I looked and I thought, what? And I don't even remember.
My sister told me that. She said, yeah, mom didn't want to deal with it. So you were the one. When I was a senior in college, she called me up and she said, great news. Your brother is graduating high school in three years. So he can go to college next year, so you can help him get through college.
And I was just like, it was all those things. She's a wonderful, was a wonderful, wonderful person. But she did not want to deal with life. I don't know if it was because of my father. I don't know whatever. But if you were to meet her, if she were alive today, you would love her.
She was simply just darling. She lived at the park lane here for 10 years and was one of the most popular people at the park lane. But it's different when you're her daughter. Anyway, so to get through my family and to navigate, I became very self-sufficient. I also became very biased towards education was going to be my way out, which I still believe strongly in education. I also, and this is another meeting, so I can say this, I also relied strongly upon my Catholic faith.
I may be the only one in the whole world that went to a parochial school that loved it. But I did. I, when they said when those nuns said, Jane, we're having to test Friday at two o'clock on geography by George, we had a test two o'clock Friday on geography. There was no surprises. There was no outburst. You know, it was just a very, very safe place for this young girl to be.
So then I moved on to more hard work. I put myself through college. I got a music scholarship and undergraduate school. What I had taught myself was, and this is important, when you have a problem, you work hard. When the problem becomes bigger, you just simply work harder. You just work harder and harder and harder and harder.
Okay. So, and then, see, the priest would die if I said, and then when all else fails, that's when you get down in your knees and pray. After everything else falls apart. Okay. So, I was in Denver for college, and I stayed there to work, and then that's where I met my husband, Harry. We've been married 38 years.
We were actually married out here and come out at the little mission, not in the big mission, but in the little side chapel next door to it. We have two beautiful daughters, and we lived in Denver, and for a while, everything was peachy-kink. I worked. He worked the daughters. My mom was our nanny. It worked very well.
Then, and once again, what do we put the focus on? On Jane. Okay. Keep that in mind. Harry lost his job. Okay.
Two days later, I met my office, and they come in and shut the door, and they say, Jane, we're closing down the Denver office. We really, really like you. We'd like for you to move with us to Houston, Texas. So, I'm sitting there, and I'm thinking, he has no job. Now, I have no job. What do we do?
So, then, what did I do? We made, I made, because this is me, decisions based on fear, and probably any financial planners out there would say a wise decision. I had a great job, a company car, a wonderful moving package. So, anyway, so we moved on to Houston. And what did I do? I got sicker and sicker.
Okay. His personality changed. He had become, he was an easygoing, and not so much easygoing after that. And what did I do? I just worked harder at it. So, then, and I know we don't talk about a good and bad, so I'm just going to throw this out.
It's the truth. This is my experience. I called, after an incident, I called what was called the interfaith people in Houston. We were up in the woodlands, North woodlands. And I said, we have a problem. So, we went in for counseling.
They handed my husband a book, my self a book, to a little thin book. Do you have a problem drinking? They said, good news. Three sessions, you'll be cured. I thought, okay, this is good. This is really good.
Then after that first session, she called me up and she said, we're transferring you down to this other woman, near where I worked. I thought, okay, two more sessions down there, fine with me. Five years later. After meeting with this woman every week, not once did she mention Alonon to me. Not once did she mention that I heard AA to my husband. Not once.
We then moved to Calgary. My last session with her, she looked at me and said, your husband will never stop drinking. I wish she could be here today. But whatever, she's not, so we'll just go forward. Okay. Another thing that's important to realize in Alonon, we learned that what we thought were great character assets, actually when they get warped, don't become so good.
When I was young, determination, I was taught, you need to be determined, right? Don't you? Okay. Well, you throw in alcoholism or alanism and you warp that into a huge sense of control. We will do this. We must do this.
We must have absolute order because you're living in so much chaos. I remember my mom came down to visit us in Houston. I wanted to take her to a tea house restaurant. We never made it to the tea house restaurant. I couldn't remember the name of it. I could barely remember anything about it, but it was just so much about me forcing solutions, trying to control an uncontrollable situation for me.
Okay. Then we moved to Calgary. Good news. We're off to Calgary, which was like from the oven to the freezer, but Calgary, I really, you know, I really like, but I got sicker because once again, no alanism. Okay, at least for me. I was still at the Kleenex and the refrigerator state.
Then there was an incident. And so I was going to fix this thing. So this was during the day. This was a long time ago before they had cell plans or phone, you know, whatever, just about before phones almost. I called New York City from Calgary, Alberta, and I called Alcoholics Anonymous. Okay.
I got the man at the front desk. I said, Hello, my name is Jane. I live in Calgary, Alberta. I have a husband who has a drinking problem. He needs to go. We need to send him to a rehab.
And I said, I want your best rehab. And he replied with one of the traditions. They don't endorse or whatever. I said, no, no, no. You do not understand. This is a one shot chance.
This is so, so important. And he said, I will pray for you. But anyway, no, no answer from him. So we did not go down that route. Not that I had the power to think, but nonetheless. So then I found a counselor up in Calgary.
And this counselor, I owe so much to a wonderful, wonderful man, unbelievable man. He brought us in and he gave us a test. Harry scored 100% on the test. I did not score 100% on the test. Okay. But I continued to go back.
Harry did not go back. I did. Okay. And he said, Jane, you need Alana. And then after you go for a year, you need to be of service in Alana. And he said, he needs a so once again, what do I do?
I step in and I go, Oh, okay. That would be wonderful. Except, you know, he's just not ready to go down to the YMCA. That will not work. So he goes, it won't work. I said, no, he needs something where he can feel the people around him are about the same as him or whatever.
Primarily men, first of all. Okay. And then not in a public arena of any form or fashion. And he said, well, I know of a group like that. And he said, I'll see what I can do. And someone will call you because once again, it's an anonymous organization.
So I go home and I start to get a series of phone calls. And so I answer, hello, this is Billy. I understand you're looking for it. So I explain the story to Billy. And Billy says, well, there may be someone I can think of. So I will contact them and I'll get back hold of you.
So about six or seven people later, which I have cried through the whole way. This man calls and he says, hello, my name is Reni. And he said, I'm a member of that group. It means tonight. And I would be honored to come and pick up your husband to take him. That is the man that his wife went to Eleanor and was told, oh, this is how you get into divorce.
This is, he's horrible, horrible, horrible. No, not at all. So anyway, we, I started in Eleanor and Harry at that point in time started to go to A. Now, we have daily readers in the Eleanor group. One of them is called One Day at the Time. Page 333 is my favorite page.
This is my Christmas story. And this is for you that think bad things happen. And they do happen. Okay. In our family, we would go to church and then Christmas Eve, I was slow. So we would not have wrapped up anything.
So he and I would do it together that night after the girls went to sleep. And then the next morning, lo and behold, Santa Claus would have come. Okay. So we go to church. We come back from church. I put the girls, excuse me, I put the girls down to sleep, beat them dinner, put them to bed or whatever.
And I go in to get Mr. Santa Claus over here to help wrap the presents and put them underneath the tree. And he always took a great photo. Well, he is passed out in the bed. And I am thinking, this is the worst. This is it.
It's over. It's Christmas Eve. It doesn't get much worse. I felt truly hopeless. But I had enough alan to know, dumping him over the head with a bucket of hot or cold water would not be a good thing to do. So I refrained, I went out and I wrapped all the Christmas presents by myself.
And I saw it. I just saw the whole way. Okay. Now remember page 333 and it sets in a paraphrasing poorly. So I apologize to whoever wrote it. But when we feel hopeless, it is not the condition of our lives that hopeless, it is our human emotions that are hopeless.
I'm not going to steal the thunder from later. But Christmas Eve, that was the best Christmas Eve I could have ever had. So then we moved back to Denver, okay, where I continue really to start alan on again because I had only been in and Calgary for about six months. So then I started more. And I learned a few things. One of my favorite phrases, and this I have used, and we joke about it in our house, was if someone would say something and you would disagree, you would say, you could be right.
Now that is code for there is no way on grad screen earth, you're right, but I don't want to argue about it. So that's what we go with. And he will say I could be wrong. I could be right. And really in reality, does it really matter? No.
Okay. It's more about what is healthy and what's unhealthy behavior. That's the way I have come to realize. There is a woman called Irene and Denver, she has done step studies, I think 35 years now. I have the privilege of taking it a couple times with her. I am a firm believer in working the 12 steps.
For me, meetings bring recovery or meetings bring relief. The steps are what brings to recovery. That's just Jane. Okay. I bring up Irene because there was two things that she was just the facts jack, nothing but the facts. And anyway, what she said is, is it a codec moment for resentment?
In other words, can you remember where you were? What you were wearing? Blah, blah, blah, blah. If you can, then the odds are it probably was a codec moment and it may be a resentment you'll need to work on. However, there will be resentments you have already worked through. You do not have to keep working through them over and over and over.
Put them in the past. Bad things will happen, but you don't have to relive it all the time. Then this was something I learned a lot from her and it's hard to explain a peer. But I have two hands here. When I was growing up, my dad was very violent. He broke my mom's wrist on a kitchen counter once.
Okay. When I came home, after graduating from college two days after I was home, I came around the corner in the kitchen. They had moved to Denver, by the way, and he was slamming my mom's wrist down on the counter edge again. And I said, I don't actually remember what I said, but whatever, something to the effect of, not now I'm older. This is just not good. So he got very upset and I went upstairs and then my mom followed me upstairs later and she said, your day I want you out of the house tomorrow morning.
I looked at my purse. I said, mom, I have two or three cents. That's it. I left the house the next morning. Now, the reason I bring this up is to illustrate the point. For many years, I've blamed and presented my dad.
Okay. That was not the true pain. The true pain was with my mother because I was defending her and she had just opted for other things. So, move forward. We're all fine. Everything is good.
But that is, I have just sat and I reen step study so many times when people will say, I resent this and she'll say, walk it through. Do you really resent this or do you resent this? You cannot heal the right hand if your left hand is all you're focusing on. Usually I use props, but this is what I have. So there you go. Okay.
I'm going to go through how am I doing on it? Can I overrun? Oh, no. Okay. All right. All right.
There were a number of things I have learned in Alonon that have changed me as a person. And these are for the benefit of you who have never been to an Alonon meeting or may never go to an Alonon meeting. One is, and this is really important, you cannot change somebody else. You can try. And there have been times when I thought I really did a good job on that, didn't I? But it was the illusion that I had done it.
That's it. I am not in charge. And as Dr. Paul said, the only thing you can change is yourself. Acceptance is the answer. So that's what I work on is changing me and then blessing other people.
The second thing I learned, and these are in no particular order, is I learned instead of working harder and harder and harder, and then praying, it might be wise to pray first and then work harder and harder. That is something that I've really stuck to every day pretty much I make a list. And on that list, I try and make certain prayers on it. And a lot of the other things that I do that don't do it on the list. It's not that significant, but praying and centering myself is really important. And Alonon, we say, it's okay.
You can always start your day over. Start it right now. If you've made a mistake, just start it all over. So all right. Then, and this is sort of a comical story here, you learn to figure out what it is in life that you want, that you truly matter. Okay?
We were living in Denver, and I was turning 50 a long time ago. Okay? When Harry turned 50, I flew him to Carmel. We went and did all this stuff, had a really good time. When I turned 50, I said, I'd like to go to the Broadmoor Hotel down at Colorado Springs. It's a nice hotel down there.
Just for the weekend, it would be nice. And this is about me. Keep remembering the focus is on me. Jane, you really don't want to do that. We'll just go out to dinner. I had had enough alanon, so I knew.
No. I pretty much wanted to go to the brumble. Friday comes along. It's about three o'clock in the afternoon. He calls me, what you doing? He said, I am driving to the Broadmoor.
I have put the dog in the kennel. He said, well, I guess I'm going to the Broadmoor. I said, yeah, but if you want to be with me, you will be. So that's where I'm going. The point is, we need to know ourselves. It's not about who's right, who's wrong.
It's about that was important to me. And I had a choice. As I said, remember the choices? I could have sat there, gone to a dinner and resented and resented and resented. Or I could take some nice action. I didn't write a horrible letter.
I didn't say, I just wanted to do what I wanted to do for me. Okay. Then the next thing you will realize when you do the 12 steps, and this is once again, the things I have learned, is that there are patterns. And that's what you look for. When I'm working with a sponsor or whatever, it's almost comical because we'll get to this resentment, the next resentment, the next resentment. And they'll look at what was their part in it.
And it's almost a repetition of the same thing over and over. It's just like a music they call it a variation on a theme, the pop-fute or whatever, where you just play it a little differently. But it's the same thing over and over again. Okay. Well, I'm going to be wrapping this up pretty soon. We'll just go early.
So they're not going to fire me, I don't think. But anyway, there's a couple other things. People ask me, and I ask myself sometimes this question, why in the world do I go to GMC every morning? I am not an alcoholic. Okay. There's only one reason I go.
And that is for hope. I go to see the miracles, the people in this room, and the miracles of the people that are in all the rooms across the United States of America and the world. This is what one of the, both of the organizations, one of the largest worldwide organizations, no one ever wanted to belong to, at least certainly not me. I never said, oh, I'm going to grow up and become an alan. That was not my goal by any stretch. And then I'll tell you two other stories.
And one of them really touches my heart. There's a woman. She's a wonderful, wonderful woman. And this is what I mean, that it's not a lack of character. It's a disease. This woman was in the room, then she went out of the room.
Okay. So she was out drinking. I get a text from her, saying, Jane, this is blah, blah, blah. Would you take my daughter to an alan? I'm meeting. That's why I go to GMC.
Another thing, I went to a meeting once, an alan on meeting, and this woman was in there from the other program. Both of her parents are alcoholic. Her brother is a horrible alcoholic. She comes running over to me. I am so glad you're here. So I look up at this guy and I go, okay, God, I finally understand.
But I go for hope. We still have active alcoholism in our family. I don't have a perfect life by any stretch. But I have a grateful life. Never once did I think, like I say, alan on. And I know people say they are grateful for the disease.
That is not me because I know the pain that's attached to it. And I know the good people that have gone down the path. And so I thank you very much. I'm sorry I finished early. But that's the way it goes. Thank you.