Below is a raw transcript from the audio recording by
Jean T. and Cari H., The Many Paths to Spirituality Panel, in 2019.(Click to go back)
Hi everybody, my name is Dean, I'm an alcoholic. Hi, I'm Dean. It's really good to be here and I want to thank you for asking me to do this. Spirituality for me is such, well, for me I am a big believer in what it says in the big book that this is a spiritual program. And so when I hear people struggling with their spirituality as they come into the rooms, I always want to reach out to them because this is a spiritual program, but there are so many ways that you can develop your spirituality and alcoholics anonymous. So I'll start with that.
For me, when I walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, I walked in with a God that I had grown up with, that God was a very shaming, vengeful God. I was quite certain that I was already going to hell when I got here. And so a lot of times out of my drinking life, I had already committed so many sins that it was kind of to me, what the heck? I might as well have a good time while I'm doing that because I'm already doomed. And so when I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous and you told me that I could have my own concept of God, what you did for me is you opened up the ability for me to, I want to say the words be saved because really I walked in in such, you know, I'm reading a book right now, would help if I put on the timer. I'm reading a book right now that's called Damage Goods and I'm not suggesting it.
It's just when I look at the title, that's how I walked in here. I was Damage Goods. I had committed sins, which is really kind of like a word for me that I don't use a lot now because I just believe for me that God is love. And when you guys offered me an ability to kind of explore a God of my understanding, I felt free to sit with my sponsor and when she said, you know, what's your higher power like? And I said, you know, I don't know. All I know is he doesn't want anything to do with me.
I'm already, I'm already Damage Goods. I'm already done. I had done a lot of things that in the religion that I grew up with were considered unspeakable, could not pass go, could not collect $200. So I was already a done deal. And what you said is maybe that's not sure. And so the sponsor that I had said, why don't you read this book called Came to Believe Gene and what it is, is it's a book that explains people's different ways that they came to their own higher power.
And by reading that book, there were so many different experiences that people had, both not only spiritual experiences, like the burning bush kind, but the educational kind. There were people that had different religions. And so what I did with that, after I read that came to believe, I also was a very, very it was suggested to me to go and explore the different religions because I had different beliefs about certain things. So I explored more about Christianity. I explored Judaism. I explored Hinduism.
I explored Buddhism. And what that allowed me to do was find the different things that were inside of me that spoke as truth to me. So when I first came into Alcoholics Anonymous, I had spent a lot of years getting involved in, at that time, was called metaphysics. And so it's crystals and talking to, I always call it talking to dead people, but talking to people that have passed and different things like this. And I was actually looking into that quite a bit when I was drinking, there was one time when I was trying to meditate. And I heard very clearly a voice that said, you know, I'm trying to get through Eugene, but I can't get through the booze.
And I knew at that point in time that I had to look into Alcoholics Anonymous if I wanted to further my spirituality. And when I walked in here and I started talking about my God, what I realized is although I had been playing in this arena of crystals and metaphysics, I still waited for this God that I had grown up with to come over and give me what I deserved and to let the shoe drop, I kept waiting to be punished for my sins. And so what I was able to do in AA is walk slowly. You know, I always say that I have no idea what God is, but the good thing is in Alcoholics Anonymous it says, God couldn't would if he were sought. And I'm really glad I have no idea what God is because I'm continually seeking what is God to me. And the other thing that I found out is that I've heard a lot of people that they debate the prayers in Alcoholics Anonymous, the way that it says he in the big book, the way that we say the Lord's prayer.
And for me, I've stopped the debate because really God is to me whatever God is to me. And I don't have to call it something different for it to be something different. So my God, I say God because it's easier than higher power. But to me my God is whatever I'm feeling at that moment. So when I say the Lord's prayer, I'm talking to that God. When I say God with a capital G, I'm talking to my God.
When I say he, and I read it out of the book book, the reason that I do that is because I have great reverence for the book of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you don't think that God was talking to those two drugs when he wrote that big book, you're crazy. How does a couple of drugs that couldn't put two days together come up with not only sobriety, but the words that are written in that big book, that's from divinely being inspired. And so I have reverence for that. So if they want to say he in there, I say he. I also say, you know, Alcoholics Anonymous came to be in 1935 with a couple of old white men.
So what they had to work with was Christianity. And so if that's not what's speaking to you, it doesn't require it. It could be Muslim. It could be Buddhism. It could be whatever. So for me, I do a little bit of Buddhism.
I do a lot of Native American. I do a little bit of Hinduism. I've got like, you know, I've got this goddess in my, and I do it with Feng Shui. So I do Hinduism with Feng Shui, which is Chinese. I put it in the east corner of my home because that's where the money corner is. And so I have the money goddess in my home.
You know, I have a little Chinese frog at my door with money in it because it brings money into the house. So I find the things that speak to me. And that's what I go with. I also don't find a reason to be accepted about what my spirituality is. And I encourage everybody to have their own. You can speak to it or not speak to it, but I speak to it from my heart because that's what speaks to me.
And it's what has kept me sober. It's what kept me in these rooms. My sobriety date is November 23rd of 2011. And I first came into these rooms in March of 1989. And I had a real problem staying sober. And some of it had to do with a lot of things.
A lot of it was that I didn't do the steps all the way, you know. Half measures of valence, nothing. Not half. Nothing. And so I did not turn all of everything. I did not turn all of my immense over to my higher power.
I kept having fear about one of these immense. And so I wouldn't give it away. I didn't turn my checkbook over to my higher power. I was like, well, you can have all of this, God. But I'm going to keep the money thing because you might give me what I deserve. You know, and what I deserve is poverty for some reason in my head.
So I had to learn a lot about trust. I walk in here with a God and a belief, but I had no trust in a higher power. Today my God, whatever that is, has me no matter what. I cannot be dropped because my God wants only good for me. And even through the seemingly bad, I learn. I experience.
For some reason I want to talk about what's on my body. So what's on my body is this necklace, which is from a pow wow. My sister gave it to me. She introduced me to alcohol. It's anonymous. And she was at a pow wow and she got this.
It says honesty, open mindedness and willingness. And it was a Native American, of course, beat it. My sister lost her battle with alcoholism. She died three years ago from alcohol from alcohol and drug intoxication. She could not get with this with this offers. My brother's currently dying from alcoholism.
My niece is dead from alcoholism. My father's dead from alcoholism. So I know that alcoholism, alcoholism, kills. And I'm lucky enough to be given a seat here and I'm not going to give it up lightly. And the only way I can do that is by a spiritual reprieve every single day. And how do I get that spiritual reprieve?
I get it from doing what works for me. What works for me is meditation. What works for me is working with. I have a rose quartz in here. And the rose quartz is to open up my heart chakra so that I can talk to you from my heart. I had to go down before Carrie and I were going to talk today and I had to go down and do some meditation because I was like swirling in my brain.
I had to ground myself and open up my heart and my throat chakra so I could talk to you all with truth and whatever is my experience. And I had to connect to my higher power and the power greater than myself. That guides me through so much. My journey is that what's really tripping to me for lack of a better word because I'm from the 60s and 70s so trippies of work is that all of a sudden a little while ago this opportunity opened up for me to start working in this field kind of like an energy work and angels and guides. I really like guardian angels and stuff. And all of a sudden this business opened up and I work in IT.
That's what my brain knows and that's what I make money at. And all of a sudden this business opportunity is opening up where I'm going to be able to work in that field and I'm like buying a business that is energy work. And I'm still going to stay working what I'm doing but I'm going to walk towards that. And the universe gave me that and I don't know why but I know very clearly that it just went boom boom boom. When God's talking to me it just goes boom boom boom. And when it's me talking to me and me trying to make something fit into there it's always like such a hassle.
It's such, it's so much work. Anyway I have you know not only this on my body I put certain tattoos on my body and they're not spiritual but I only choose things that I put on my body that speak to my truth. Like at one point when there was us a lot of shootings and stuff I was going to put love is greater than hate but I don't want the word hate on my body so I don't put it on there. I have a tattoo about my sister on my back and I carry her with me all the time and I underneath it it says the keeper and that's because she was a keeper and she didn't believe it. She didn't believe she was worth staying here. She didn't believe she was worth sobriety.
She's a keeper. You know I have words that say an honest man's pillow is his peace of mind and that's because it's one of my favorite lyrics from my favorite artist but it means you know honesty, rigorous honesty is what's required in this program not to you in here. Am I being rigorously honest with myself? Am I truly speaking my truth? Am I truly telling you who I am and have I cleaned up my insides enough so that the source can reach through me and speak through me and if I haven't then I have some more work to do you know. I have the word love as love as love on me because I believe in that.
I believe in all beings being equal in this planet but that's my truth. It doesn't have to be anybody else's but I just find that this area of Alcoholics Anonymous is what gives me the most joy. When I work with other women that walk in here and say I'm not doing the God thing, I'm like you don't have to do the God thing. What speaks to you? What reaches out to you is an ocean it, is it the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, is it nature, do you like mermaids, do you like ferries, do you, what speaks to you? Go find it and explore that and you will find your spirituality there.
You will find your higher power there and that will allow you I believe to stay in the rooms because then you realize that you can only, I can only be around if I give away my desires and my will to something bigger than me. I think that's really all I have to say. I think it's almost time for caring. It is. Let me tell you a little bit about caring. The reason that she came to mind that I got asked to do this panel, I immediately thought of caring to do it with me because when my sister died, I happened to go on a 11th step retreat with another woman that was going to be on this panel that does an 11th step retreat but she's had recent surgery and she's not feeling well so she couldn't be here.
We all went to this woman's retreat and it was at a mission, a highway 101 and on the second day when I got up, I was really feeling the loss of my sister. I love her and I always say I love her. I didn't love her. I didn't use to love her. I still love her. She's still around.
She talks to me all the time. I was really, really missing her. I miss her voice. I miss her human body. I miss being able to hug her. I was outside just sitting there crying and Carrie walked out to me.
She did a Native American ceremony with me and we walked around the fountain and we like let go of the pain that I was experiencing and it was so powerful I can't even tell you that I was able to do that with her and she took the time to see the pain in me and do that with me and that's how spirituality can reach us all in Alcoholics Anonymous. You can notice, you can be awake. You can go out and see when someone else is hurting and you can just say, hey, how you do it? Do you want to talk? I like to tell people what I like about them. Your eyes look really pretty today.
That is just giving away a little bit of something. Out there in the universe that can really help another person, you don't know. But anyway, she did that for me and I'll never forget it. Then I walked into the Carmel Mission and I prayed in there which I had not been inside a Carmel Mission or Catholic Church in a long, long time and it kind of eased some of the hurt that I had had. Then there was a mass there later and the priest did a ceremony along with the Native Americans in the area and I thought, this is bizarre. How does this happen?
I just had never seen this. If I just show up for what the day has in store for me, God shows me amazing, amazing gifts. Anyway, I'm really grateful to have been here and been asked and thanks. Thank you so much, Jean. Our next speaker is Carrie. My name is Carrie and I am an alcoholic.
There are some things that I'd like for you to get to know me. Because from where I walk, these are important things just like when we announce together who we are. And so for me, my practice, I'm going to let you in to my practice. And so this is what it looks like at the beginning of my practice each day. So my name is Carrie Earthall. I'm an alcoholic.
I was born as Judy and Garcia and I'm an Esselin, Rumsen, California Indian. To you, this means that my ancestors on my father's side are your first nation people to moderate peninsula. So I'm standing on 10,000 years of inhabitation by my ancestry. So I process that fully upon my awakening. And I was given that gift of knowing this through a sobriety, sobriety being the sacred path that I now walk on. And so how it began for me 27 years ago was that I overdosed.
I'd always been a person of no value. I was born to an alcoholic father who was a pimp and to an alcoholic mother who was a prostitute in this very neighborhood that we are on. This was their territory. My parents made a decision to sell their children for money, for alcohol and drugs. And so I was sold along with five other children and we were placed into homes. That trauma impacted me all of my life.
In fact, I went to Catholic school and like I said, I was always a child of no value. That was very, very deep inside of me. The trauma stayed with me. And so that trauma really historically every part of me, it operated within me. And these are reasons that my path opened up following generations of alcoholism. And so I too followed the path without knowing my parents, I followed the path.
And that meant that I also additionally followed the path of quite a few of my grandmothers and I an eighth grade, my own trafficker groomed me through drugs and alcohol as a child in what's now defined by the law as sex trafficking. So I too walked that path. When I came into the room of Alcoholics Anonymous, so little of my understanding about who I was was available to me. And I remember at six months of my sobriety, I was at a Salinas meeting. And much like I'm standing up here, I began to tell my story. And while that was supposed to be probably a 20 minute chair, it went on for a good hour and a half.
It was at St. Paul's Church. I'll never forget because none of those women left that meeting. They were so impacted by what I was saying that they remained with me until I could get it all my shame and pain out. A few of the old timers in that meeting suggested that I immediately go to the courthouse and look for my birth certificate. Which I had never seen.
And I went to the Salinas courthouse. And that was my first interaction with my higher power. There was my birth certificate. And within weeks, the story of my ancestry was before me. And I have plugged into a story of many generations of intergenerational trauma. And I was so gifted in that moment to understand that my cultural heritage and what I've been given that day through alcoholics anonymous, that this was going to be my path.
And it surely has been my path. The steps for me currently in this circle of being a Native American elder, woman, and leader where I work with women who as well have been trafficked, drugged, beaten, domestic violence. I've worked on reservations. I've talked all over the world. And what I do is simply this. Last one, two, and three, I stand in the direction of the East and that direction for me that day was significant for in that direction.
If you can, this is what I take people through. Standing in the direction of the East, it's the direction of the Eagle. It's the direction of new beginnings and it's the direction of the spring. It signifies in recovery our new beginnings our new day and standing in that direction, standing in that power of admitting who I am each day in that direction connects me with the truth, my practice of being a recovering alcoholic. This direction, finding a relationship with my creator, it sometimes says the elders, is called, these direction are called powers, powers of the grandfathers and the grandmothers, that when the sun comes up in the East, the flowers wake up, the birds start to sing, the doo melts, the sky turns from darkness to light. When this power happens, all of nature responds.
A power force touches all of nature, including we humans. As we experience the darkness of alcohol, we turn to ask this powerful help. We ask it to cause an awakening inside of us. We ask this power to bring us from darkness to light, to enlighten our insides so that we can see the path. The power of the first three steps is done in the direction of the East. Placing the twelve steps in a circle, we next move to the direction of the South.
This is the direction that we find ourselves, and for me, that clearly signifies what happened to me in fourth, fifth, and sixth. It was the direction when the sun is spreading its warmth and the powers to help each bird and plant to personally grow. These powers come from the South. A long time ago, when we became lost and we went to the elders, they would take us down to a small, quiet pond. They would brush the leaves away, and they would have us bend over and look at a reflection in the still water. They would ask if you would like a person you see, they would ask you if you like the person you see in the pond.
It has always been a natural, cultural way for Native people to build our character. The respect in our communities was not from education or how we were. That is not how we got our value. The focus was on our character building. When we were respected, caring, trustworthy, and committed, when our word was good, courageous, honest, fearless, strong, prayerful, loving, and kind, this is what every traditional person wanted to achieve. When I read these readings, and believe me, I did not write this, but like the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, it grounds me.
To what was taken from me through my history of my ancestry. It grounds me into my program. It helps me to understand my own anger, which has been very, very deep and still goes on to this day. I must be honest with you as I stand in this direction of the south. Currently that is where I am standing because I am lost. I don't know who I am today.
My husband died ten months ago, and he was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and a big part of my recovery. I met him when I was two and a half years sober. I met him over at the Beacon House in Pacific Grove, and so I walked with him for most of my recovery. So my question standing in the direction of the south is who am I, and I am still honestly unraveling who I am. Step seven, eight and nine are located in the west, which is the direction of the sunset. It is the direction of finding our relatives, the direction of forgiveness, in order for us to quit drinking, we need to set ourselves right with every person we hurt while we are drinking.
In traditional culture, forgiveness was a very strong part of our culture. Today I often go down to Gibson Beach, which is in Cremel, a point of low-dose. When I stand there in the direction of the west, it goes like this. Makpita honor, use Makmese, use sheen, macro te kis, shudu doo doo. This simply means I love you, I'm sorry, forgive me, thank you. It helps me so much.
When I go there to lay down my burdens, I name Gibson Beach for Giveness Beach, and I love on the Monterey Peninsula, the home of my ancestry, to have different areas that represent the steps for me. That is where I go to connect to the work that I need to do. It brings me such blessings. Last 10, 11, and 12 are the directions of the elders' wisdom. It's the direction of the north. It's the direction of our grandmothers and our grandfathers.
It's the direction of our faith and our prayers. For me, I was taught by the elders that this direction, this direction of the winter, this direction of the north is really where we can stand most sacred, where we can really demonstrate our connectedness to humanity when we can come out of being self-centered when we can pray for others. It's been so interesting for me in this direction of the north. My husband and I experienced a home invasion a few years back before his cancer activated. During that time, I was really doing a lot of work in this direction of my ancestors' prayer work, and what happened to me was that my brother, my adoptive brother reached out to me and he said, I have been praying for you every single day, morning and night. In fact, there's a whole organization of Buddhists that have been practicing chanting for you.
And it was at that time as well in the direction of the north that I became a member of SGI, Nesherin Buddhism on the Monterey Peninsula. And that has been a very big gift for me because I sit down twice a day and I chant for others. Although walking with my culture is a big part of my practice, there was one part that throughout my recovery was really missing for me and I know why because I'm so trauma-based that my shame, my whole way of being is screwed up quite frankly. That is what trauma brain looks like and I'm the effect of sex trafficking, alcoholism and trauma brain. And so I don't think right. And this Buddhist practice of Nomeo Rangay Kihl allows me to sit down and do a practice in a different language that is all designed to be praying for others.
And it has throughout the years now radically helped me to untangle some of my trauma. You know, placing the 12 steps in this circle has helped me to understand the principles of the program so deeply for myself. Really taking the time to stand in a direction and unpack who I am. I had a lot of trouble with four steps. My shame and trauma which is not uncommon and I've worked with a lot of therapists. My trauma and shame really gets in the way when it comes to my four steps.
And then I began to understand myself deeply through walking through these steps in a circle and in this way. And if we have time as a true Eslyn Rumsen leader, I would like to quickly take you through that. Breathing in the direction of the East, let's all stand up. I always have to look to gene to where the direction's at. But that's trauma brain. Let's breathe in the direction of the East, the direction of the Eagle, the direction of the spring, and again reminding ourselves as we're standing here.
You know it. You're in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Steps one, two, and three. Stand with those steps to the best of your ability at this conference, claiming who you are. And then I'd like you to go to the direction of the South. Just go ahead and follow Gene.
Don't follow me. This is the direction of the South. It's the direction that we find ourselves. Steps four, five, and six. They lay in this direction. And I want you to be with your work, your word, and who you are in this program of Alcoholics Anonymous as you stand in the direction of the South, the direction of the Coyote, the direction of your youth, the direction of your family and your history, finding yourself in this direction.
And Gene, will you take us to the direction of the West? This is the direction of the West. It's the direction of the sunset. It's the direction most holy for the Aslin and the Rumpson. This is the direction of finding our relatives. And it is the direction of our forgiveness.
Stand with all that you've been through through these directions and stand in your forgiveness as your First Nation gives the prayer. Makpita ona yuz makmis yushin makrotakei shudududu. Allow yourself to pray your forgiveness prayer. Let's turn to the direction of the North. It's where we find the Elders' Wisdom. Let's take a moment to think about steps 10, 11, and 12.
But I also want you to take a moment to reflect on our Elders' Wisdom, our founders of Alcoholics Anonymous, our sponsors, those that have crossed over, your grandmothers, your grandfathers. Just be. Be with your own practice in the direction of the North, giving respect and honor and prayer and faith. And altogether, God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Thank you. We have a few minutes here for questions.
Anybody has any? Yes? I'm just really helping today. My youngest sister had a stroke. And I'm the oldest sister of mine. And we were like, I just took my stroke.
I just took my stroke. But anyway, I just have been carrying that. And I didn't feel as how much until you just did the spacing of the different directions. I think it's hard to feel off the road alone. So I'm glad you just made that. Thank you so much.
Thank you. Thank you. Yes. Hi, Jean. I want to thank you both for being part of the mindset right now. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.