Below is a raw transcript from the audio recording by
Chris W. in 2024.(Click to go back)
Hey everybody. Here we go. I have felt so loved here by everyone that's taken care of us. So thank you for that. It's a little nervous being up here, first talk that we've done, but I feel very loved.
So thank you for that. You guys have been a blessing. And honey did a great job. Thank you. I've got a care thing.
So, you know, as I, we took a weekend away to kind of get this thing together, we went to a little Airbnb out in the woods, and I've got to tell you, as soon as I started writing this thing, it was like I was back in square one. We've been doing this for about 10 years, and it just took me right down to the ground. I mean, I just was overwhelmed just in deep grief. I had no tools. I didn't, you know, I didn't know what I was doing.
You know, I have them now, but it just is amazing. You sit down and really dig into this stuff and go back into it. And I don't like doing it, man. I don't like doing this. You're getting up here and doing this.
I don't like digging back into this stuff because it's so painful. It's, I was kind of got a word picture when I was listening to the speakers, and it's like you have a barge and you're out in the water, and you've got to use your family and your sons on that barge, and he's burning his life to the ground, and he's on your barge and you're getting burned down to the ground, too. And it's just so hard to push him off and, you know, push him in the water. It just, it's just about impossible. I don't know if I'll ever really do it, but that's, you know, that's kind of where I got this weekend and, you know, and that weekend that we were away.
And then, you know, back then, my only hope was that he'd get sober. I mean, if he could just, we could just figure out, we could just figure out a way to get him sober, then, then, then everything would be okay. You know, there was just, no, he took no responsibility for himself. Everything was my fault. Hurt me beyond belief.
Here's, here's this precious child that, that I would do anything for, literally get my life for. And he's just, he's falling apart. There's nothing going on there. He's crashing cars. He's beaten me up.
He's turned into this lyre thief in a cheat. And he knows, we've talked about this with each other. They know us better than we know ourselves. And he knows exactly what to say, what to do to draw me in. And that's all I want.
I just want a crumb. I want to be able to do something for him. I want to be able to have him say to me, gosh, you are great. Dad, just some, something coming back. And he knows exactly how to do it.
And I just, I just fall for it every time. And, and, you know, when, there's a hole in me that can only be filled with my kid. And it's, it's not there. He's not, he's not, he's not, I don't understand this disease. Okay.
I don't know what's going on with, with a, I don't get it. Because that's not what I do. I tried to be an A when I was 18 or 19, but it didn't work. And so I just, I don't get it. But I know it's not, I've learned that it's not, has nothing to do with me.
But, there's still, there's still this hole inside of me that, that got opened up this weekend. And, and I, you know, I want to be filled with my kid. And, and I have to say this though, as we were talking about this, this weekend, I was thinking about how all of these young people, young men, have come into my life just through a variety of different circumstances. And I'm missing it because I feel like that's God's way of giving me, helping me fill that hole. And I, you know, it's, I won't, I want to be my son, I want to be my son, but it's not going to be my son right now.
And I need to let him go on his journey. But I do need to really embrace and appreciate these young, these young people. I've got a young man this weekend at the house for standing. He's delightful. And we, we share so much in common.
And I need to remember that, that's, that's my higher power sharing with me, you know, helping me to fill that hole. One thing I did do is I sat down on the weekend, I sat down and I've learned that I can write my way out of, I can't think my way out. But I can write my way out of, of this, of this stuff that I can fall into. And so it was, it was, it gave me the very, it gave me the beginning of my speech and be able to hopefully that, to share a little bit, I lean share a lot, but just, just to let you know that hopefully you can identify with the sons of things I've dealt with. Because, and it allowed me to do that, allowing me to feel that pain.
And I, you know, I, I'm going to talk about that in a few minutes, but I really don't like doing that. I do not, I do, do not like feeling vulnerable. I do not like feeling out of control. I, I avoid that at all possible costs. But I am learning to, to sit, learning to sit with it.
So, all this stuff went on. And I finally hit my bottom and knew I needed to do something to take care of myself. And so we, like she said, we got to our first meeting. And there was a friend there that, that really was, that we knew from, from school, from my son's school, the same friend she talked about. And that was such a comfort to, to see someone there.
And, you know, I know how you all know. We're walking into these meetings your first time. It's just what's going on here. It's, it's, it's just different. It's like what to sponsor, what to step, what to, who knows, who knows, you don't know what's going on.
But there was this thing for me that somehow I knew this is where I belong. It was the one place that, and it was just an inkling, but it was like this little light up in these big dark clouds. And it was this little light that shone through. And somehow they understood what was going on with me. And I had never had that before, had not had that before.
So, and then, you know, I, I, I, I, I was out of town. I had to file a first restraining order. I'm walking into court like a deer in the headlights. Just like, just, just overwhelmed with grief and dizzy and crazy. And, and the woman at the desk was so kind with me.
She just, she just got, she just got me. And walked out of there, went to my, went to a meeting and, and, you know, I just sat there and, and was just a mess. And I just got up and walked out. And as I left, as I left, a woman said, see you later, Chris. Thanks for coming.
And it was so important to me to be seen by someone at the meeting. And so I just, whenever there's a newcomer there, I, you know, I try not to let them get out of them. I'm not going to do it. I want to make sure at least, at least, at least, at least that they, that they are, that they are acknowledged. So, I, you know, I went along.
I did my step seven to meetings. I, I, I, I kind of did the deal for a long time. And, and I, I think I made a lot of progress. I mean, I worked in service and worked in committees and stuff. And I made, I made, I did make a lot of progress.
And I had to sponsor for about nine years. And, um, he decided, like, right after we got the door kicked in, that he was not going to be my sponsor anymore. I'm like, what? You're kidding me, man. You're, you're bailing on me now.
And, and, you know, I, I didn't hear him say this. All I heard, all I heard was in, they was bailing out. But, but, but he, what he did say to me was, I, I don't know how to do this. I, I, I can't be effective for you. And thankfully I had enough program to that same week I had another sponsor.
And, and this guy had been, you know, he, I just can't emphasize enough. You know, I'm not, do whatever you want. I just, I needed someone who had a sponsor. I needed someone who had been programmed for a hundred years because I was a, a mess. I needed someone who was active in meetings who, who really had worked the program and was kind of a shining star of a place for me to, to attain to.
I really needed that. I mean, it was, we were just in it. It was like the first time you walked into the courtroom. I was a mess. And all of a sudden we're a mess again.
The door is kicked in. My life's threatened in. And I, I'm scared to death in my own home. And, and here's this, this angel just comes down and he, he, he said two things. He said, I'm going to talk to you every day.
Thank God. He wanted to talk to me every day. And he said, we're going to work the steps and we're going to, we're going to do the concepts and we're going to do the, we're going to do the traditions. So, yeah. So, so that was, that was huge for me to have a sponsor who really was a, was a guide for me to, to move forward.
So, what this incredible pain is, I just, I don't know, I just, I just always believe, I don't want to be Pollyanna here, but I just always believe that, that we get this stuff put in place. We get this stuff put in our laps for a reason. Now, most stuff I get put in my lap, I don't like it. Most stuff that's painful, most stuff that I'm getting called into the, into my supervisor's office or I am this stuff with my son or, you know, I, or, or on the bed and I'm getting talked to about whatever I did, you know, I don't like that stuff. But, but I firmly believe, you know, that it is helpful and it is taken a long time in this program to get to a place where I feel like this is in my lap for a reason.
There is, there are some things that I need to work on that I'm not even aware of. I mean, I, I, I, I look at the alcoholic and I go, how come you can't figure out that the alcohol bone connects to the jail bone? Or the alcohol bone connects to the role, three rollover, destroy your brand new truck. You know, why don't those two bones connect and, and what happens for me is, is I don't even see what I'm doing. And so, you know, I need a hammer to, I'm no different.
I need a hammer to be able to see the things that I'm not aware of and in denial about and, and, and this is a huge hammer, you know, it's, it's, it's crazy. And so, you know, I grew up in a home where my dad's drinking and my mom's sweet and he's not present. And so I decide, you know, at an early age, because I'm the oldest, I'm six years old and thereby that I need to be apparent to my brothers and sisters, you know, come on. And I need to be my mom's counselor and she's more than willing to take, you know, talk to me and that I need to, like, stand up and do jumping jacks and be a good student and put on a performance so my dad pays attention to me. Well, it didn't, none of that stuff worked out.
You know, at 30, all of my siblings kind of told me I was off duty and, you know, I don't know anyway, I don't know about my mom, but, but with my dad, you know, I never got his attention. It didn't matter. He didn't, he, it sounded like he didn't carry, loved me dearly as well as he could, but, but I, I keep thinking I can control stuff and I can't, I can't, I can't do it. All that to say is I have all these tools. I get married, you know, I have a great wife.
I finally got a decent career and, and, and I'm dumping all this crap on my kid and thinking I can control all this stuff and, and here I am at, you know, 70 figuring out that I got some stuff I need to work on. And so this, this heavy weight landed in my lap and, and put me on a, on a path that I would much rather learn a different way, but I firmly believe this is the only way I can learn it. So just some things that I've learned through this, through this, through this mess is that, you know, I've, I've worked on my night step and I found that I make, I'm making these amends and, you know, I made one at work that was just old, old stuff and I walk up to this, this gal I work with and I'm saying, you know, I, I, I, when we were, when we were in the house, I was in the house. And I, when we were, when we were working together on this project that, you know, I made your life a nightmare. I made your life a mess.
And, and she, she starts crying. I'm like, what? You know, you never know when you make amends what the response is going to be. And she starts crying. She goes, I'm so sorry.
You felt that way because I did not feel that way. But, but it just was surprising to me that that was the response. And I did it for two reasons to help myself get rid of this, this baggage that I have about feeling guilty about shame and guilt. That's my favorite go to of how, of about this thing that happened with her. And so I got rid of that, but I also opened up this pathway to a relationship.
And I would have never done that. I just would have felt, you know, detached or weird with her and I would have never done that. So, so that's one great thing that came out of the program. The, the, you know, at when I did my inventory and all that stuff and I was getting ready to do my amends, half of my amends were not things that I had done. It's just things that I had taken on.
I thought were my responsibility. And they ended up being resentments. And, and for me, it was, yeah, that person did this to me. They screwed me. They're, you know, they're awful or whatever.
But the real deal for me was, dude, you didn't take care of yourself. I was mad at me for allowing that to be done to me. And so, so I realized like, uh huh, you need to start standing up for yourself, dude, because that's your biggest deal. You know, I always want to be nice. I always want to get along.
I don't want to have, I don't want to suffer. I want to avoid it at all possible costs. So what I learned in my family, I thought it was working for, you know, I learned it at probably five and I thought I've been trying to do it for what is that? It's 65 years. It is not working.
So I'm, I'm realizing and kind of my process, just a brief process is I try. I don't always do it. Honest. I'll let people have it once in a while because it piss me off. But I try really hard to just take it because I never know the right response.
Every, like, like in the movies, they always have the right response. My right response, I always have to make an amendment for. So I don't trust that because I'm just too angry. And so I wait. I get myself calm and it is, it's not over in 15 minutes.
It takes me three days to get over whatever. Okay. And so, and then when I get calm, then, and then I got to dig back, I got to go back into it. I got to feel it again and I got to get focused on it and figure out what's my part, what's his part, what I need to say, whatever, and then say it. Well, I had to do that with my boss a couple weeks ago and hot day of what it did not go well.
They were not happy with me because partly because they're not used to me standing up for myself. So it's like, what? And so, I, you know, I did it. And then, and then of course, guess what? After spending three days calm myself down feeling all this stuff, not doing it with ill intent.
I'm feeling guilty because I made him mad and I need to fix it. And it's like, it took me seriously, it took me a long time to just sit with that and let him carry his stuff. And, and, and I didn't want to, I needed to do it. I wasn't pissed. I wasn't angry.
I wasn't trying to hurt him. And I need to let him sit with it. The third thing I've learned is that sometimes I just need to, I heard this said earlier, sometimes I just need to forget. Just, it's over. Just, you know, forget.
You can't, you can't fix everything. So, um, you know, at this point with my new sponsor and probably since I've been in Illinois, I'm an all out campaign to, to, to do what I need to do. To get myself clear. I guess my ultimate goal is to try and get myself as far as, as under control as much as possible. And to really look at, sorry about this, my, and to really, um, and to really try and see what God's, God's will is for my life.
You know, um, my sponsor told me the other day you've got to trust your gut. And I guess my gut is God's will. And I'll tell you what, I usually know when something's going on. I think, I think it's, we all do, but we've been, I don't know, anyway, I just have a hard time doing that. But when I trust my gut, most of the time it's right.
And so the, the, the, you know, the picture is, you, again, you've got this barge on this river and, um, and it's all tied up to the dock. It's got, you know, 3000 ropes on it. And every time I, I, you know, it's this massive character, you know, barge of character defects that I'm trying to get rid of. And, you know, every, I swear every time I cut the ropes of one of them, I, I, I, I feel, and then do something about it. And then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, but there's also this, this piece in it that is just like, no, no, it was the right thing.
I mean, I was finished my tall steps like Monday, did him with my sponsor. And it was like five in the afternoon. I couldn't do anything. I sat in front of the TV. She made dinner.
It's like I gave it all on the field. I just, it, every time it's like you get your whacken at these ropes and you whack at this rope. And every time you do it, it hurts. And it's painful and it's scary as hell because my disease does not want me to get healthy. And I'm cutting these ropes and then all of a sudden, you know, I'm not even paying attention to the other ropes.
And I cut that last rope and there, there goes my, there goes a character defect down, down the, down the river. And, um, yeah, it's, it's, it's, um, it's good. It's good. Um, another thing that, that I, that I am sensing and this, you know, is that the more I take care of myself, and I've heard this since day one, you know, take care of yourself. But the more I really am willing to do the work to take care of myself, the, the things with my son become, and my feelings toward him and my need to have him and my need to make sure he's okay and to worry about him start to are dissipating.
It's, it's like I'm working over here and this is getting handled over here. And, you know, my experience is everything I've done to help him, that I think is helping him hurt him. It's madness. But that's what I've seen. And I have a God who's watching out for me and I've done some crazy things in my life and he's always protected me.
It's the only person that's going to help him is him and his God. And I, I just, as hard as that is, I have to let him have that relationship. I just, anyway, so, you know, it's like, you know, we're in a, you know, when someone dropped us off in the Himalayas and, and we don't know where we are, we don't know the language and we've done where the trail is. And we're going to get there and it's a new adventure. And for me, there's going to be bumps and there's going to be crazy stuff.
And, you know, I'm just trying to keep my eye on the mountain and, and keep looking forward. And like I said a minute ago, all of that tie with my son, most of it is, I suppose it's innate, but some of it is a lot of my old stuff that's keeping me in the middle of it. And it's my old stuff that's keeping me there and it's starting to dissipate. So, yeah, you know, this, that we do a lot of stuff in this program has absolutely helped me in every aspect of my life. And it's, it's exactly what I've needed.
This pain has, I was looking at videos, I can't remember your name of the, of the, of Europe. There's all these polished stones on these, you know, incredible crowns or whatever. And you know, they got beaten out of the rocks and someone got them and they shipped them down and they fired them down and they, whatever they did, I don't know how you do stones. And they're these incredibly beautiful stones, but they, they, they just didn't get there without a lot of work and, and, and polishing and, and I feel like that's, that's what God's doing in my life. So, as I start in this, I feel like I am more present in every aspect of my life because, and I feel like there's less garbage.
It's, it's like this, it's like this, this filter of garbage that, that all of the things that I think have to go through before I can respond and, and that, you know, it's like they're starting to dissipate and, and that feels good. And I just want to end with this quoted, I think it's Thomas Martin, and you know, my sponsor sent this to me, which is powerful to me. So I just want to end with this. The beginning of love is to let those, we love perfectly be themselves and not twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflections of ourselves we find in them.
Thank you.