A continuación se muestra una transcripción en bruto en inglés de la grabación de audio de
Teresa J. en 2019.(Haga clic para regresar)
Hi everyone, my name is Teresa and I am a grateful member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And thank you Cindy. Thank you for everyone who has helped to put this event together. It's always a great time to come together as a group to share experience, strength and hope and have some fellowship and have some fun and maybe a little bit of laughter, a few tears, some arguments, disagreements, you know, all kinds of things can happen over the course of a few days when you get a bunch of alcoholics together. And then the Alleons. It is a privilege to be up here.
It was kind of by default. I'm your token woman alcoholic here. I was at a committee meeting and it was brought up that all we had was male alcoholics to speak this year. And so being a woman there, my name was put in the hat. So that is why I am here. Not because my story is fantastic, but anyway, I see a lot of friends.
You know who you are. I love you all. And even if I don't know you, there's a special place in my heart for you. Some of you are new. Some of you are from out of town. I don't know.
I don't know everybody. Some of you might have just come in off the street out of curiosity. I hope that whatever you hear, there's some little nugget that you can identify with. And if not, please talk to somebody else. Stay for another speaker. We all have our own story to tell.
What I'm sharing today is what it was like for me, what happened and what it's like today. It's my experience, strength and hope. I am not an expert on AA. I have my own opinions. So, okay, so let's see. I was born in New Jersey, 1954.
I lived there for five days. I was born in a quonset hut. I was an army brat. That can be a derogatory term or it can be a term of endearment. I went to 13 different schools in 12 years. I was the oldest daughter in a family of seven children.
And my father was in the CID. He was criminal investigation detachment. So he was kind of like the FBI, CIA kind of the military. And wherever we were stationed, not only did we move around a lot, but he also traveled a lot. And it would always be, now Theresa, be a good girl and help your dad, your mother. Help myself.
Help me, dad. Who am I supposed to help? So yeah, so I was supposed to be the good little girl and help mom. And especially after my two older brothers left home, the year was 1969 and my father went to Vietnam, one of my older brothers was in Vietnam. And we did not live on the military base. We moved to North Carolina where my mother's folks lived.
And I was definitely to be the good girl and help mom. And I did my best. I really did. And my mother appreciated my help. We would actually, on Friday afternoon, she would buy a six pack of beer. We would have a beer together.
Maybe two. But we never finished the six pack. It was just kind of, it was what we did. I mean, I grew up around booze. My dad may or may not have been an alcoholic. I experienced alcohol up to that point as more of a celebratory thing or a social thing than anything else.
My mom and dad, they had parties. I don't remember anybody really getting drunk, but my dad got really loud and funny. And then my older brother's drank beer. And at holidays, like Christmas, Thanksgiving, that type of thing, we would have the little shot glasses all around the table. And after we said the blessing, then we would each have, we could say cheers, have our toast. So it was a celebratory thing.
It was not an awful thing. The year that my dad was in Vietnam, I started drinking with friends. And that was different. I actually got drunk. And I remember my first drunk. It was in North Carolina.
It was at Stony Brook Farms, where there's horse racing. And I remember one blurry glimpse of horses. And that's about it. Because I got drunk. I had a crush on a guy named Bill. He had these beautiful blue eyes, curly dark hair, tall and handsome.
And I puked all over his suede jacket. So for a normal person, you know, you might think, oh, I shouldn't drink. But I continued drinking. And my dad came back from Vietnam. And we left North Carolina. And even though we were coming to California, which is an exciting thing, this is 1970s.
A lot of stuff has happened in the world. You know, wood stock has happened. Can't state killings. Vietnam. You know, there's all kinds of things happening that I have some cognition of. I am a teenager.
We're moving to California. Friends think it's great. But I have to leave my friends again. Again. And I'm kind of bummed out. And my father's back on the scene.
And even though he was a happy jovial guy, he was also really tall and big and scary sometimes. Big boys. I'm like my dad in a lot of ways. And he and I knocked heads a lot. And at this point in life, you know, I think a lot of people in here probably grew up with physical punishment from their parents, you know, which I did. It was the belt, the switch, the hand.
And I was a little bit on the rebellious side. You know, I spoke my mind. I asked questions. And a lot of times it was not received well by my father or my mother or teachers. I had some mean teachers. And you know, so it was around this time that I realized the relationship between my father and I was maybe not normal.
We were standing face to face having an argument that was not only yelling and screaming but physical. And I just, I think at this point in my life, I came to that realization that this is not normal. This is not good. And as much as I had the desire to speak out, I had older brothers. You know, I wasn't a demiura submissive woman. I knew how to talk.
I knew how to fight. I started shutting down a little bit. I drank alcohol to kind of calm it down. And I think that that was kind of the beginning of my alcohol use that eventually turned into abuse. I learned to abuse alcohol. And it was that time where, and I'm in California, I grabbed on to the sex drugs rock and roll.
Let me tell you, I did. I only lived here one year, went to the seaside high school, my junior year. Then we moved to Hawaii, where I went to two different high schools. And you know, it just got involved with all kinds of kids. I was pretty smart. So I knew the smart kids.
But there were the kids that smoked dope and that drank and the kids and drama. And I was very interested in psychology. I wanted it to be a psychology major. And I did get accepted to the university. I was in love with somebody that lived over a marina. So as soon as I graduated from high school, I came back here.
And I was 17 years old. And I moved in with this guy. And you know, he wasn't much of a drinker, but unbeknownst to me, all the people that lived right there on Carmel Avenue and Marine in this little triplex, they were all party animals. And I just fit right in. And I got, actually back then I was working in a gas station in Marina. And I was a manager of a gas station at age 17 because I lied.
I lied about my age. I knew how to lie. And I knew how to steal. I knew how to drink. And the relationship with this guy didn't last too long and I ended up, we moved to Pacific Grove and we split up. He took the apartment.
I took the Volkswagen van. And I lived in that for a year and a half. And I worked in a spa at Del Monte Shopping Center. I know not all of you live here so you're not familiar with all these places. But at Del Monte Shopping Center, our local shopping center, there was a spa and a couple doors down. There was a place called the Unicorn.
And it was kind of a nightclub. I'd go shoot back a couple shots at Tequila, go back and do my exercise classes. And I didn't think there was anything wrong with this because I lived in my van. I grew my sprouts. I did whole wheat bread. I did my exercises.
I felt like I balanced my life out real well. But things got worse. My drinking started to get to the point to where I would plan to go out and drink a couple drinks. And then I would wake up. And who are you? I wouldn't even know who I was with.
And I had what some people are familiar with. I had blackouts where you don't remember, but you're still conscious. You're still talking. You're still walking, driving, that kind of thing. And if there's any alanons in here, and your spouses told you they didn't remember, they might not have remembered. You know, it's a real thing.
I would not remember some of the things that I did. And I think for a normal person, that would be scary. But for whatever reason, you know, I still did this stuff. So anyway, there's lots to talk about. There's a million stories. There's a million stories.
And I think the main reason that we talk about what it was like is so that you know, yes, I am an alcoholic. I have a problem with alcohol. I knew I had a problem with alcohol. When I was working in that spa, I was not 21 years of age yet. And last night at my home group, there was a guy who shared about the desperation and the loneliness. And what came up for me was sitting in my Volkswagen camper, two o'clock in the morning, lonely.
And what did I do? I went and knocked on the door of the unicorn after hours so that I didn't have to be alone. And I knew that this is not a normal young girl's life. I mean, I knew it. I knew that I had a problem with alcohol before I was at a legal age to buy it. So fast forward, moved to Tahoe, found a guy who liked a party like me.
He liked me. I liked him. We got pregnant. We got married. We had a child. He was the real alcoholic.
Because I quit drinking somewhere though while I was pregnant. I limited it to just beer a couple of days. Quit smoking, quit smoking dope. And after our child was born, I did not go back to those habits at the capacity that I did prior to being pregnant. But my then husband did. He couldn't seem to get his shit together.
So I told him that I was going to leave him and go live with mom and dad for a while until he could make a decision about whether or not he wanted to have a family. So my parents were living in Florida at the time. I go to live with them and before too long my mother knows that I have a problem. And she threatened to have my son taken away from me if I didn't do something about my drinking. Well, what did I do? I moved back to Monterey.
You'll hear about geographic. Geographic. That was definitely a geographic. And I moved back to Monterey and I got to tell you the threat of having my child taken away from me did something. It did not bring me into the rooms of alcoholics anonymous. It just made me want to control something that I couldn't control all the more.
Because I really didn't know at that time that I was powerless over this stuff. When I put alcohol in me I didn't know where it was going to take me. You know, sometimes it was just a nice, friendly dinner with a glass of wine. You know, sometimes it was just, you know, oh yeah, it's Saturday morning. I don't have to work today. I can have a beer.
And other times I didn't know if I was going to pass out or blackout. And it was a frustrating existence. And I was in the restaurant business. I loved it to the restaurant business. It was hard work, but it was a lot of fun. And there were many of us that talked about our drinking and drumming issues.
And one of my friends, he actually got sober. And it's kind of when I first really started learning a little bit about alcoholics anonymous. Even though my former husband, he had gotten sober. But he didn't talk about it a whole lot. And this friend really didn't talk about it either. You know, he really practiced the attraction, not promotion.
But the big book was there by his bedside. I would pick it up, look at it, put it down. It did not speak to me. At one point I had a girlfriend who really had a problem with drinking. And she did a lot of cocaine too. And she wanted me to go to a meeting with her at Beacon House, which is a local recovery center here.
So I went with her. I heard some stuff. But I was not ready. I met work the next day. I go up to the bar. I'm a manager.
So you know, after a certain point in time, no more perrier for me. I want my stowily straight. And before I ordered it, I can still see myself standing there at the end of the bar at the tentery, and this think, think, think comes up in my brain. You know, it was that little sign I saw at that meeting. Think, think, think. I think I want to drink.
I think it's maybe not a good idea. I think I'll have it anyway. You know? And I just was not ready. So fast forward a little more. I ended up kind of partying.
Water, yes. I've got to say it's kind of weird being up here. It's nice to see friendly chases. I'm kind of bored with my story too. It's a long time ago. I told it a lot.
But okay, so my mom and my dad moved to North Carolina from Florida. And my mom said, why don't you and Joe, that's my kid. Why don't you come and live with us? We got this three bedroom, three bath condo. I don't like you. How do you mind, mom?
But one day I was riding my bicycle around to Syllamar beautiful day. That's right on the coast if you don't live here. Beautiful, beautiful pristine day. And something, you know, be at the voice of God, an intuitive knowing. Something said, it's time to move to North Carolina. My former husband, father of my child, lived down in Costa Mesa.
He was pissed when I made that decision to move to North Carolina. My son, he was very upset. He was just a little boy, seven, but he was upset. He didn't want to move to North Carolina. But something inside of me said, I need to go. So we moved to North Carolina and, you know, I thought the restaurant business was the problem.
So I'm not going to work in a restaurant. By this time I had changed careers somewhat, though I was still working in the restaurant industry. I was also doing something else. And when I moved to North Carolina, I decided, okay, if I get a job in a restaurant, I've got to do something where there's not alcohol. So I got a job in a little breakfast place. And there were these people that used to come there.
And they put the tables together. And all they did was drink coffee. Once in a while they'd eat a little bit. Okay. So in this little neighborhood, there's a church, a unity church, which I plugged into, because I had been going to the church of religious science here. And I thought, okay, somebody said there might be a unity there.
So I plugged into that church, the minister of that church, I told him I was looking for a job. And it was his son that owned this little place called Scrambles. And then all these people that would come in and drink coffee, well, there was the inner group office right over here. Literally it was a triangle. And I knew about AA. I knew I needed help.
I moved to North Carolina. I thought that I could just change. I'm not going to work in a place that serves booze. I'm going to change my ways. And I couldn't, you know, my dad's bottle of scotch was under that kitchen sink, man. And I hit it every day.
You know, I'd go to just get a cup of coffee and I'm drinking. And so it was Easter sunrise in 1988. And unity church would have Easter sunrise service at the beach, the other coast, East coast. And I went to this service and I go up and I see a friend and I go up and hug her and she goes, whoa, you smell like a brewery. And I'm like, oh shit. And then I go hug her husband and he's like, whoa.
And then I'm like, I'm just filled with so much shame. And I'm like, how am I going to go hug my friends? I mean, they know me. They drink too. And, you know, they're heroin addicts. I mean, come on.
And, you know, but I am just filled with shame and embarrassment on how I am going to greet my other friends. And I didn't do anything about it that day. What happened for me over the next few months is I realized that my spiritual path was impeded by my alcohol and drug use. And I needed to quit drinking. So I quit drinking on my own August 28, 1988. And I made a pact with a friend and I shared with a couple of other friends what I was doing.
And about four or five, six days later, I was with a friend and I broke down and started crying. And I said, I need help. What's wrong, honey? I said, I'm an alcoholic. And I told her that I had quit drinking. It had been a few days.
But I know that I need to go to AA. And she said, I have a friend who I think she would call you. Would that be okay? And I said, sure. So this woman Anne called me later that day and we made arrangements the next morning to meet at a Burger King or a Hardys or something. And I can still remember because she ordered coffee and I ordered orange juice and she goes, oh, you're so healthy.
And we walked down this long dirt road to the fireman's hut. 11 a. m. It was a Tuesday or a Thursday. And I go to my very first AA meeting for me. And I was really afraid I was going to see somebody I knew.
And I walk into that room way off in the corner. I see this guy Tom. I know him. And I was really happy. I really was. I thought, okay, if he's here, I can be here too.
And I do remember that first meeting. I don't remember everything. But you got to remember. There's all kinds of stories in AA. And there's people that come here and just their mind is gone. They've been detoxing.
They're a mess, but I had been putting forth the controls for years. So my alcoholic bottom was way back at age 20 in my Volkswagen camper. And so that day I heard a number of things. And I love that we read from chapter three because that's what I grew up on in AA was chapter three. I'm really glad we didn't read chapter five. That's just my personal thing.
Chapter three I could identify with. I could identify. I mean, I would try all those things. Quit drinking the wine. Just drink beer. You know, okay, I drink vodka.
I guess I'll drink scotch. Take a trip. Don't take a trip. I tried all those things, you know, exercising more. Okay, only on the weekends, not in the morning. No more kaloo in the coffee.
I tried all those things. So when I heard that, I went, oh my God, they know something about me. And they had the window shades up with the 12 steps and the 12 traditions. I saw God a whole lot. I was not there for God. I had been on my own spiritual journey for many, many years.
What I did see was tradition three. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. And I went, okay, I can be here because I had a desire to stop drinking. I was later told you don't even have to have that. And it's true. It's true.
I was also told that first meeting to don't drink, go to meetings. Simple. I needed simple, really bad. I really did. The other thing I heard was 90 in 90. I'm like, are you kidding?
Then this one woman, she goes, so how often did you drink? Every day. Okay, I guess I can go to a meeting every day. Being a little rebellious. I think I did 89 meetings in 90 days. So that started my journey.
And it's a great journey. When do I have to wrap it up, Cindy? Isn't that forever? Oh, yeah, right. I'm going to do some things tonight. So that started my journey in sobriety.
My sobriety date is 82888. I just celebrated 31 years on Wednesday. Thank you. Not of my own doing at all. I could not have done it without you. Without the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and the principles that are set forth in this program, the principles, in my opinion, are universal.
It's about getting honest, being open, willing to do things differently than my way. You know, it was like my way is the only way. No. There are so many ways. And there are so many ways even to just do recovery. I mean, Bill talks about that.
There's so many ways to do recovery. There's so many ways to interpret the steps, the traditions, the concepts. God, higher power. Honesty for me is a huge thing. I mean, because I understood cash register honesty, but internal honesty, being honest with myself and really being honest with you was a whole other ballgame for me. And it has taken me years.
You know, because I came in here with a sense of bravado. And I'm not scared. I mean, people talked about fear. You know, I wasn't afraid. I'm a big girl. I'm 6'0", tall.
I'm not afraid. It took me many years to really recognize my self-centered fear. I followed the suggestions, though. I didn't drink. I went to meetings. I got a sponsor.
I worked the steps. I sponsored so many women. And I loved it. I did. I also have alanon issues, though. I sponsored way too many.
So it's been an exciting adventure for me. It's been my spiritual awakening has been one of an educational variety. I do meditate. I went to my meditation group, which is not AA, at noon today, because I want it to be calm and centered in order to hopefully, you know, relay a little something relatable. And I connect it with friends. And when one of my friends showed up to the meditation today, I was so happy to see her.
And she helped me to bring some things because I have a broken head of my humerus that happened last week. And I can actually take responsibility for some of the reason that it happened. I wasn't minding my own business as I was walking down the stairs and got distracted and missed a couple steps. And today I can own that. You know, I don't have to beat myself up about it, but I can be responsible for, you know what, I was not paying attention. And that's one of the principles to me, honesty, responsibility, accountability, service.
I mean, it's just, you know, it's being a person who is not continually thinking only about themselves. You know, I do think about myself a lot. And I actually like myself today. And I'm getting older and I'm thinking about a lot of things about myself. You know, I just start Medicare on September 1, you know. And I am the early bird speaker here.
That sounded kind of old to me. Yeah. But one of the things I do want to share, Bill talks about it page 21 from Esbils sees it. He talks about becoming citizens again. And I sat across from a member the other day and he was talking about being a volunteer at Monterey Bay Aquarium. And how we get to be of service in different kinds of ways.
You know, not just in AA. And Bill talks about that on page 21, Citizens Again. And we all get to determine how we choose to be of service. And there's so many ways. I mean, back when I first got sober, hey, empty the ashtrays, that was service, you know. Sponsoring people, that's being of service.
And it's not just to the other, it's to ourself. And when I was 25 years sober, I decided that I was not going to sponsor women anymore. I get overly involved. And by this time, I've been an alanon for five years. And so I'm learning a lot. I'm learning a whole other set of things.
And so not too long after that, I helped to start a meeting, a mostly agnostic meeting. And I became the general service rep for that group. And I will tell you, that has reinvigorated my sobriety in ways that it's just hard to describe. It's really, really cool. And I have a service sponsor. And I will be at the general service table most of the day tomorrow.
If you want to come and talk about that, it is an exciting, incredible journey. I love being sober for so many reasons, because I do get to be accountable and responsible and honest to the best of my ability. You know, stuff happens that I don't like. And sometimes I get unhappy. I mean, Melinda would like me to be miserable maybe sometimes. But that's just not my personality, not much.
And there are people, the alcoholics who are depressive. But we're all here. We all have different personalities. The commonality is that we've got a problem with alcohol and maybe other stuff. And we get to come together and focus on the solution. And that solution for me is accepting my humanity.
It is being connected to my fellow man. It is doing my best one day at a time. And you know, the big book is a great book. The book Alcoholics Anonymous. It was published in 1939. It just never turned me on.
I'm not a fan of Jane Austen either. You know, I just that, you know, it just doesn't speak to me. Living sober was the book I used, skinny. And practical. And I've given this away a lot. And if you haven't read it or you don't turn your sponsors on to it, check it out.
It's really a good book. And AA has not published a new book, completely new book in 30 years until now. Our great responsibility. This is a good book. I haven't read it all, but I have read it a lot. Yeah, I wish I would have written it.
So anyway, in it, he talks about, it isn't, what do I want to say? It's one of those things of interest for me about different interpretations of the steps and the traditions, you know, and how we all interpret it in our own ways. And there's a whole chapter in here about variations in the 12 steps and 12 traditions. And Bill talks about the whole thing of writing the steps and how originally there were six steps. And my interpretation of those six steps are the admission, honesty, sharing, cleaning house, being of service, and asking for help, whether it's from God, the universe, a higher power, or my fellow man. And I am so grateful that I am a part of.
And thank you so much for taking the time to listen to me today. And if you didn't hear something, go listen to other people. Thanks. Bye.