Monterey Bay Area Roundup

A continuación se muestra una transcripción en bruto en inglés de la grabación de audio de
Al-Anon Mary N. y Guillermo N. en 2022.(Haga clic para regresar)

I am Mary. I am a grateful member of Alonon and it is my recovery date in Alonon. I remember 12 1993 and I am grateful for that. First of all, I would like to thank my dear friend Susie in the corner back there and the committee who asked us to participate. I am pretty emotional and every time I see her I want to cry. But there are no tissues up here so I will suck it up.

Thank you. It is an honor to get to share my, participate my own recovery. This is like a 12-step call on me and also there are some, I recognize some faces because Sue comes by. Comes down, I have known Sue for 27 years and I met her in Alonon and if anybody wants to know how Sue was new, ask me. It's a lot different. She has grown a lot and I love her a lot.

She is a dear friend of mine and she brings some of the ladies that she sponsors down there and when we have events. I have gotten to meet some wonderful women and I have gotten to see in here as well. Thank you. I also like to thank Dawn. I don't know where she is. Oh, there you are, Dawn for picking my husband and I up at the airport with Sue and for opening up her beautiful home.

You are the hostess with the mostest. I am not kidding of you. I just feel still love. I am like these are what the speakers feel like because I am not a circuit speaker at all. You will be able to know but you really, you really, really took care of us and I am really grateful for that. We had, we got to hear Reggie last night at her house.

We had about 10 people there, you know, fellow shipping. We had a ton of food. We got to go to the BBQ, amazing BBQ. Whoever put that on. Oh my gosh. A.

A. BBQ. That was wonderful. I told my husband I go, can't stop eating since I got here and he's like, you are always a healthy eater, Mary. I am like, okay. And so I am.

But anyway, I am going to share a little bit what it was like, what happened and what it is like today. And I heard there is a lot of newcomer Alan Ants here like less than a year. And I am really glad to hear you guys are open because I have been on Zoom but there is something like eyeball to eyeball contact. You know, there is nothing like that. And we are, you know, in Orange County, the long time, and the meeting that I go to, grab some of my sponsor, she, we were open. We were open.

We were masked. We were six feet apart. We sanitized before we sat down. And before we put down the chairs. But we were open this whole time and I am grateful. I am tremendously grateful for that.

And she said, I need people. And you know what? I do too. Because alcoholism likes to isolate us. And I will tell you, those Zoom meetings, I am grateful for the Zoom meetings because when I couldn't go, I went to Zoom. And I am really grateful for that too.

But I am really grateful. And I am glad to hear you guys started opening up as well. So just a little bit of what it was like, what happened and what it is like today. You know, I grew up in a family affected by alcoholism. I did not know that until I came in to Alan Ants. My brother is a drinker that got me here and he still drinks today.

You know, I came in when I was 25. I am 53. Saved you guys some time. And I have been going consistently to Alan Ants since then. At least three meetings a week. And I have tremendous amount of gratitude for that.

I was a really messed up kid. You know, I think until I was like five years old, I was super carefree. You know, I have two older brothers and a twin sister, I'm a twin. And my parents immigrated here in 68. And my mom has about nine brothers and sisters and a half of them immigrated as well with their family. And so I had a lot of cousins around.

And we always were hooked. We were always played together. We were hooked up all the time. And every weekend, one family would come over and the men would get together. The woman would cook and the men would get together at the end and play cards and drink all the time. And they'd inevitably get drunk.

But it was not like any kind of violence. It was some yelling every once in a while, but I was never scared. Never. And so I never thought it was a problem. But when my grandfather, my mom's dad would come around. He always had a cigarette in one hand and a high ball in the other.

I mean, he drank all the time. And then once I came to Alan, I found out the man never worked. And he had nine kids. And he was like, okay. So things just started making little sense. And there's a few things that happened growing up.

I used to wear this brace because I had scoliosis growing up. And it stuck out of my toes. It was super neurotic and I was probably like nine years old. And I'd wear it 23 hours a day, seven days a week for a couple of years. And during my hour of wearing it, not wearing it, I had to work out, do exercise to build my body up. And my dad, after work, would get on the floor and do exercises with me.

The love in my family was there. So I never doubted their love for me. But my mom, when I was around her friends, she'd make me take it off for like hours and hours at a time. And so I would think, she goes, I don't want my friends to make fun of you. And I'm like sitting at nine years old. I'm leaning against her nightstand going, and nine.

I remember this, like it was yesterday. Do you hear yourself? You know, what I hear is, is you're not good enough just the way you are. That's what I heard. Okay. And so, and, okay.

So that's how it went. And then we used to live in LA, then we moved down to Orange County. And my sister and I, my parents wanted to put us in private school. I loved school. I loved it. I loved learning.

I just, I just loved it. And I did well in it. I mean, I was nine. So what is that? Fourth grade? I was going into fifth grade.

And so we, we applied to go to private school, and I like, felt so good. I took this test, and I'm like, I ace this thing. I felt really, really confident. September rolls around, and all of a sudden, we're enrolled in public school. And I'm like, Mom, what happened? She's like, you didn't pass.

And I was like, what? You know, she was, no, you're just sitting past. And so this is, this was, this was, fifth grade. So I was about 20. Okay. And we were talking the whole family, and someone was asking about, you know, the schools you went to.

My mom said, oh yeah, Mary and Kathy, they, you know, they went to public school. They, they were going to go. Mary was going to go. She passed. And I go, what? And, you know, and she goes, yeah, you passed, and your sister failed.

I didn't want to tell you, Mary, because I didn't want you to make fun of her. Oh my God. I was going to lunge through that table and beat the hell out of her. I swear, and I'm not a violent person. I was so pissed off, you know, because all my life, I thought, what is wrong with me? Like, I didn't doubt, I doubted myself.

You know what I mean? I mean, I really believe that I did something, and then I didn't do it. You know, then I failed. And so I thought, and, and since then, my mom has made immense for me for that. And before I forget, she and I have a loving relationship today because of the program, because of my program, really. She's not in program today.

And I'm grateful for her. But I had a hard time with my mom growing up, and I resented the hell out of her. I blamed her for everything, everything that happened. I blamed her for my brother's drinking because she was such a control freak, you know, and I, I just, I resented her. And, and today I have tremendous amount of compassion for her because I know the disease of alcoholism. You know, I heard in my very first meeting, it's okay to love someone who drinks.

I love my brother. I never judged him for his drinking. Even when he ripped my parents off, even when he made my dad cry, I knew something was wrong with him. I knew he had a problem. Now, the guys I dated was a different story, but with him I had compassion, you know. And, you know, and so what happened is I wanted to get away from her.

I wanted to get away from, I got to time myself from, from my family. I thought I'm going to go somewhere else, start all over. So I went down to school in San Diego. I joined a sorority. You should not join a sorority if you have absolutely no self-worth. It was a horrible experience for me, you know.

It really was. And I, I just, I was so uncomfortable in my own skin, and I experienced with drugs and alcohol. I participated with them, but alcohol did not do for me what it does for the alcoholic. I do not like being out of control. Now, my husband and their hand totally different story, you know. And he doesn't understand how I, I can think like that.

He used to say, how could you be so obsessed and worried about what someone thinks about you? And I'm like, how could you be so obsessed with a shot glass of booze, you know. I don't get that either. And it's okay today. I don't have to understand it, but I do accept it. And, and I know it's a disease, you know, it's a deadly disease for both of us.

So I went down to San Diego, and I got involved in a shot involved, and I tried to get involved. And I was seeking love in all the wrong places. I was, I was desperately in need of validation. I was, you know, I just did a lot of things that did not make me feel good about myself. Things that I wasn't raised to do. And what happened is, I don't want to both sides.

Thank you. That's okay. But I, but you know, I ended up driving home from a party at four o'clock in the morning, hanging on the steering wheel, praying that I don't throw myself off the road. And I knew if I didn't do something, it was going to happen. And so I went to the school counselor and I saw that, you know, counselor there for the semester, and then she referred me to a therapist, and I saw her. And during that time, my brother's drinking escalated.

My brother's four years older than me. And my mom would always call me and say, Mary called John, you know, John listens to you. You know, he'll listen to what you have to say. My brother has never listened to the word I said when it comes to his drinking ever, you know. And occasionally, you know, when I, when I was there, he would like, I would talk to him and I would try to reason it out and, you know, or get him to see what he's doing. And he would like stop for a day or two.

So that gave me the illusion like I had some control, which I did it. He just didn't feel like drinking that day, you know. And, you know, and so I couldn't handle it down in San Diego and I'm moving back home. And I went to another therapist out there. And, and my brother's drinking using was escalating. And one night I came home and he was on the kitchen floor, sunk down.

And all of a sudden, he, I don't know if he would got 51-50. I still don't know all the details, but they took him away. And he went to a detox. He went to a lockdown facility for about, it seemed like 30 days. And I went to go visit him. And, and I always had compassion for him, you know.

I knew he was struggling. And, and then he went to a detox. And we as a family went to that detox. And that was the first time my dad was crying, like uncontrollably. It was so uncomfortable. Like, I was just, you know, and in my family, you never talk about what's going on.

Because we had no solution. We didn't, we pretended like it didn't exist or it was someone else's fault. I mean, I would tell my mom, you know, mom, why do I feel this way growing up? She goes, why do you feel that way? There's something, why don't you, you shouldn't feel that way, Mary. You have everything going on.

I'm like, well, how, why do I feel this way? You know, so I just felt really, I just stuffed everything. I stuffed it. And so I was seeing my therapist and I let her know and she goes, have you heard about Alonon? And she goes, why don't you call Alonon or AA and let them know about your brother? And I called the alcohol synonymous and then they said you belong to Alonon.

And if your brother wants to come, he's gonna have to come on his own. And I called Alonon and I got a meeting directory and I went to my very first meeting. And that is the first time I heard people share how I felt, you know. And I was so grateful for that because I always felt alone. I, in a room full of people, I always felt alone because I was never transparent. I was never honest about how I felt, you know.

And I keep going and this woman asked me for my number. I went to a couple meetings and I thought that was kind of weird, you know, because I was super secret. Like in my family, you just keep, you know, share anything. And she asked me for my number and she kept calling me when either the guy that I was dating at that time was, you know, we got in a fight and he was drinking or my brother came home drunk and she encouraged me to keep coming. So she came, she invited me to a home group meeting and the speaker earlier, Arthur, talked about getting how important it is to get a home group meeting. It is vital for me to get a home group meeting.

And it ended up asking her to be my sponsor. And I was super scared because I didn't know this woman. I asked her over the phone and she said, Mary, I'll be your sponsor as long as God wants me to be your sponsor. And I said, okay. And, you know, what happened is the guy that I was dating, I saw getting more and more involved in Alonon and she told me your brother's drinking is none of your business. You're not an alcoholic.

You have no idea what it feels like to have to have a drink. And that makes sense to me. And when you try to talk to him, all he hears is, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. You know? And that totally makes sense to me because it's true. He knows that I don't know what it feels like.

And I remember my brother telling me once he was married, if God didn't want me to drink, he wouldn't have created liquor stores. All right. That's, it's sense to him, you know? And to tell this day, I have not, I don't say anything about his drinking. And when he, when I see him, when he's drunk, and if he's belligerent, I just leave. But every time I see him, he lives with my mom still, he's like, what?

57, you know? And like, my parents, God bless them. They're, they're devout in their religion, but they choose not to come to Alonon. And for the parents that come to Alonon, keep coming back. You know? Alonon gives me the courage to say no.

You know? To speak up. To not go down with the disease of alcoholism. Because for the way it affects me, it's like sticking a frog in a pot of water, and I don't know why I'm emotional. I'm kind of tired. But anyway, sticking a frog in a pot of water and slowly letting it cook.

See, when, when drinkers drink, when alcoholics drink, or they have relapse, you can smell them. It's obvious. But now with Alonons, you know, our arrogance, and we think we got everything going on, and we know what we're talking about, and we're slowly dying. I need, that's why I need a sponsor to be accountable to someone. My good idea, my disease of alcoholism lives in my head. It always tells me I'm doing good.

Or I suck. I'm not good enough. But when it comes to Alonon, oh, you don't need to go. You got everything going on. You know? You're doing good right now.

And the thing, what happens is the 12-steps work. You know, I did that. You know, my sponsor took me through 12 steps, and they changed my life. All those resentments that I had, all the shame that I had. Oh my God. It got, it disappeared when I did my four-step inventory.

Now, I did it through the big book of alcoholics, through the big book of alcoholics, anonymous. That's how my sponsor took me through steps. The four column, we didn't cause it. I mean, we didn't cause it. What was, you know, whom, you know, I'm resentful at, the cause, how does it affect my self-esteem, all that stuff, and my part. And that format is what I use today.

28 years later, when I have resentments, I'm not kidding you. It is a wonderful way, a tool, to use, to get me out of the disease like that. You know? And I have tremendous amount of gratitude for that. So all the pain and all the shame that I had from my past does not haunt me anymore. I share it when I share it with newcomers, with the ladies that I get to sponsor, or at meetings I can look people in the eye and talk about it.

I have no shame about it. I don't tell people it works, but you know what I mean? I tell people, like I know, that I'm recovering, that need help. And, you know, I have, I just, I'm just so grateful for that. And so anyway, the guy that I was engaged to before a program, I just wanted a couple of stories with him, or one story in particular. I started getting involved in a program, and he was a construction guy, just like my husband is.

I'm going to track to the construction man, but he, his construction equipment got stolen or something, and he wanted me to go over and like comfort him, or, you know, just to be with him. And that Thursday night, we had a long time, or Alan on speaker coming, and I didn't want to miss this guy's sharing. And whenever this guy would call me, I always went. That's what I always said all my life. My, I didn't make, I made decisions based on him, you know, on all the guys that I was with. I never did anything based on what was good for me.

I didn't know how until I came in here. And, and I told him I wasn't going, I'm going to this meeting, and he was livid. So that weekend, he gave me an ultimatum, and he said it's either me or Alan on it, and I said I want hope. I want both, and he said you can't have both. And so I said, okay, you know, it seemed like an eternity, but it's probably like a second. And he said, okay, I'll leave Alan on.

And as soon as I said that, that hope inside, like, died. You know, all of a sudden, all the hope that I had from the meat, from Alan on, just went away. And he said, no, no, you made up your mind. It's over. And I was like devastated. I thought I was going to die.

Now this guy had a lot of money. He looked great on paper, but I just wasn't in love with him. And that's how insecure I was. I was super shallow. You know, I, his outsides were going to fix my insides, and it never did. And God did for me what I couldn't do for myself.

You know, he loved me. And my grand sponsor at that time told me to go to 30 meetings in 30 days. And I did that in like, I think it was like day 18 or something. I woke up going, think you've got that this relationship didn't work out. Thank God for unanswered prayers. You know, I don't always know what's good for me.

You know, and I had a couple other relationships in a program with Alcoholics who were sober. And all of a sudden they started going away. You know, they didn't, they didn't, AA wasn't a priority for him anymore. And, but luckily I was committed to Alana. I always kept going to my meetings, you know. And they ended up leaving and, and I found out years later that they died drunk, you know.

And, and during that time, I had to get ahead about three years or three and a half years in program. My sponsor told me, you know, you have a problem. You tend to go out with these guys and have these long-term relationships. Why don't you ask a different guy out every week so you can learn how to be a friend with a man, you know. And I'm like, okay. All right.

And so we were really involved. The AA meeting that, or the Alana meeting that home group that I have, the long-timer there is married to an alcoholic who has a home group there as well. You know, in the same facility. So we, you know, so I started, I asked some of the guys out and Guillermo was one of the guys I asked out. Guillermo came to our Friday night meeting on Alana meeting. He shared and he had this super raspy voice from smoking.

But I thought it was really sexy. And, and he gave his sobriety date and he'd have like eight months. And I'm like, oh my God, this guy's a newcomer. Bad in care. And so I still, you know, I ended up asking him out for a friendship date. And we went out and he, when I called him, I asked him, hey, you want to go to friendship date?

And he said, sure. And he said, I don't have a car. It's suspended till, my license is suspended till November. And I said, no problem. So we met over there. And we, we went on our first date and we went to, I was so, I was pretty serious, pretty uptight.

And there was a, there was a movie, I don't know, some of you guys are old enough. Something close to call? Something about Mary. I don't know, but maybe not maybe. Okay, you did. Okay.

When I saw the movie, I was really offended the first time. And it's a comedy, you know. And so, I'm grateful I saw it like a week before, because I saw it a week before and then we went to, we were doing a, this is August. So we're doing a lot of women's safe place stuff that's coming up next weekend. Anyway, we're doing some stuff at our hall and the girls would, we're, we're talking to me and they go, did you see that movie? So, they went out and Mary wasn't it funny?

And I'm like, oh, okay. It's supposed to be a comic. And so, Girmen and I went and I ended up telling him that he was seriously, he thought that was offensive. He's, he, he's really lightening me up actually. He's really funny, most of the time. But, so we started dating, you know.

And the thing that I love about my husband is, you know, I was super attracted to him. But he loves sobriety. When I heard him share at that Friday night, I'm like, my God, that guy's a miracle. You know, the, you know, and it is a disadvantage for me to not have seen him drunk. Because I really don't know what he's really, really like drunk. I've heard his story.

Now, the drugs that I've been with, you know, I haven't been with anybody violent. You know, I haven't been with anybody, you know, that would, you know, beat the crap out of me. You know, and so, and he shared some of this, you know, after we got married, we ended up getting married like a year later. We always hooked up with other people. Always. We went on dates with all of his sponsors.

They were like, it was like automatic. They were with us on Saturday night, you know. And, and I had no problem with that. And the ladies and I sponsor, whether they were, you know, we double dated with him or they were single. They just jumped in the car with us, you know. And, and I had no problem.

We always went to dinner, went to a meeting, and then went to movies, or German I got a room or whatever. But it was just, we were just around recovering people, you know. And, and when we were around that, we really didn't have any big deals, you know, no major problems. Okay. And then we got married. And, you know, there's still no major problems.

But there's stuff that comes up, obviously. We've been married for what, 22 years? 22 years. And, and, ah, he, uh, ah, wow. I didn't check that. But um, are, I grew up in a family that doesn't share what's really going on.

That tells you what you want to hear. It's always a huge, huge people pleaser. Guillermo group and a family that's super direct in your face will tell you everything. Take your inventory. I mean, and part of me was really attracted to that because of the honesty. I'm attracted to honesty because I didn't trust anybody, you know what I mean?

Because I really wasn't trustworthy. And so that's why I love going to meetings because you hear people share honestly and it's like I love it. It does something to me. And so Guillermo was always very sincere with me and I asked him a little bit about his ex-wife. We didn't really talk about it. We didn't really have a lot of meaningful discussions but I asked him about his ex-wife a few weeks when we were married and he told me some experiences that he had.

And I felt like, wow, I felt like I got kicked in the gut and I'm thinking, this guy ever gets drunk or loaded man, I better have a God in my life and it can't be him. And because it's alcoholism is real. It's a deadly disease. I never, and he would never allow me, but I never stand in the way of my husband going on meeting ever. And I got to learn how to support sobriety. Mike sponsored told me when I was new.

This is way before I met Guillermo. Read the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous, CP. If you want to know about the disease of alcoholism. And I did that. Not in an alanone meeting. I'll decide she'd had book studies and I went over there and read it.

And I got to see my family in that book. There's no booze in our home. I don't drink. I check labels when I go shopping. One day I brought home mouthwash and I forgot that there was, I thought it was the alcohol free and it wasn't. He took a swig and he goes, there's alcohol in this thing.

Ultimately, he is responsible for it. I try to do whatever I can. And not to bring that stuff in the house, but it's a deadly disease. But I'm so grateful with somebody that loves being sober. And we don't turn to each other when things are going on. We really don't.

I mean, my husband doesn't understand how I think. And I don't understand how he thinks either. And that's okay. I know he's got my back. He supports me and I got his back. And we're best friends.

And I love him for that. And I think we had about seven or eight years of marriage. We talked before we got married and we wanted to have children. We tried for about three and a half years and I couldn't get pregnant. And I was done. I'm like, I'm not going to keep doing this.

And I was writing. I was writing a lot and I was sharing with my sponsor. And I want to ask me questions to help me think about things. And I wrote it in the four columns and I just, is that my reener? No, it's a phone. Okay.

I'm just kidding. Sorry, I just want to make sure. And I wrote about it. And I made a decision that I don't want to try anymore. I just wanted to let him know that I didn't want to try anymore. You know, I told him after he came from his home group meeting and so we're both kind of spiritual.

But it was, it was not good. He was pissed. And he was going to leave the house. And I said, don't leave this house. Because I'm not going to sit here worrying about you. Because what I did with my brother, I go, you can stay downstairs.

I'll stay upstairs. And we didn't talk for three days. And we had the secretary. I go, we go to an open AA speaker meeting on Saturday nights with Allen on participation and Guillermo and I were secretaries that night during that time. And we only spoke during that meeting. We did.

But we gave each other the dignity to work through our feelings. He talked to his AA brothers, his sponsor, and I was with the Allen ons. And obviously we lived together and stuff like that. But we didn't talk about it at all. And the following Monday he came up to me and he said, you know, I want to stay married. I love you.

I don't know how you can change your mind. I mean, it's a history. He'll tell you that part. I think she's just do. But my biggest concern is I go, I don't want to, you know, 15 years down the line. I don't want you to say something like, hey, you know, it's your fault.

We don't have children. Because I legitimately, we try. And I just don't want to do it anymore. And I don't want to. Anyway. And he said, I won't.

And he hasn't. You know, and I'm grateful for that. And we've been through other things. You know, I'm a very, one of the things that's given me so much self-worth and Allen on is speaking up, you know. And in our literature talks about, there's a page on communication and talks about our motives for speaking up. Why am I speaking up?

Am I speaking up to change somebody? Or am I speaking up because it's important to me? Well, yeah, I'd like for the person to change. But chances are they won't. You know, but if it's important to me, I need to do it. Regardless of the outcome.

And that has given, that has released, and I just went through some great marathon meetings, that has released so much like that forgiveness. I need to let you know how I feel. Otherwise, you won't know. You can't read my mind, you know. And I remember, you know, I come from a traditional home, very religious home. And I told, when I told my mom, you know, we were going to have children.

And she was like, oh my God, Mary, I can't. You know, what's going to happen to your life? And blah, blah, blah, all this stuff. And we were at the mall buying my niece's gifts. And I told her, I said, mom, just because I don't have kids, doesn't mean my life is any less valuable than anybody else's. You know, my sister's or yours or anything like that.

And I made her cry. And so I tried to console her and she, you know, shruppin' off. And I called my sponsor the next day and I said, oh man, I got, oh my mom, my man's now. I made her cry and I told her what, you know, what I said. And she said, you're no romance, Mary. You're honest.

You shared how you felt. Just because she cried. What you mean about it? I said, no, I was just, you know, drag. I told her, you know, and she was even no romance. And I was like, wow, it took me 38 years to be honest with my mom.

How sad. You know what I'm saying? But it made me grateful for Eligon. Till that, since that day, my mom has never brought that up to me. She has never brought up, oh, how sad. She goes, I don't understand that, but I support you.

You look happy. You know, I'll take it. You know, and it's like, it's the same with my husband. I've had to speak up to him, you know. And he's not a speak up to me. And the thing that I love about my husband is when I share things with him, he really does try to change it.

And he usually tells me something about me that I thought he wants me to change. Which is fine. It's called communication, you know. And so, so I'm really grateful. I have a lot of gratitude for my life today, you know. And there's some, you know, when I came in, my family, I have an older brother who's like really super successful.

And he was resentful. He thought I was disloyal to the family for getting so involved in Alana. And you know, he's got a couple of daughters. And I thought three or four years ago, his son of his daughter started drinking and using and having some problems. And he actually reached out to me and asked me for help. He never went to Alana, but I was there to like share a little bit with him about the disease.

And I was telling him, you know, your daughter is a master manipulator, you know. And he really, really appreciated it. Like he, like, that's the first time when I felt like, wow, you know, he really appreciated me. Because we were very sarcastic growing up. We didn't say anything like FU or anything like that. We didn't even say shut up to each other.

But you can do a lot with sarcasm, you know. It's really cut it in the mean. That's how we communicate it. And a year ago, I have a cousin, all the cousins that immigrated here who reached out to that brother. And that brother told her, it wasn't a drinker, it was the other one, told her, hey, why don't you call Mary? She helps people.

And she reached out to me and she was telling me what was going on with her husband and she's got a couple of kids who are in the disease. And I told her, why don't we go on a meeting? And this is when Zoom was happening. And she went on and logged on to a Zoom meeting with me. And then she went to a few of those meetings. And I encourage her to come to a meeting with me.

It's an open meeting and she lives about 20 minutes away. And I wanted to introduce her to some of my friends over there that can help her. And she ended up asking me to be a response and I said, oh, Savannah, I can't sponsor you. You know, we're family. Family can't sponsor family. But I introduced her to one of the ladies in our group.

And she's got over a year now. And it's such a beautiful thing. I introduced her and then I just stepped away. You know, I just never asked her a question. Mine and my own business. My parents would ask.

My mom would ask me how is she? And I'm like, I think she's good. I've never talked to it. You know, I don't break her anonymity or anything like that. But it's amazing how many people we can affect. They say for every drinker, there's at least 10 people that are affected by their drinking.

But you know, one, for a person to recover, there's people who are affected by that, too, in a positive way. And I've seen the transformation in my family. And I'm so grateful for that. But I do this for me because I know I need it. You know, and because of that, I have a really good life today. And I'm really grateful for that.

So thank you for that, Ms. Sherry. I'd like to thank Mary. Very nice Sherry. Appreciate it. But I guess, let's see.

Oh, I have to introduce Karen Mow, the other side of the story. I'm an alcoholic. My name is Karen Mow. I've been clean and sober since January 6, 1998. I'm grateful for that. It's good to be here.

It's good to be sober. And I want to thank, real quick, before I forget, Susie and the community for asking us to share and come up here. It's an honor and a privilege and dawn for letting us in our home. Awesome home. You know, and I was like, wow, look at this. Because I, it's like an older home, too, built in the 30s.

And I love that. I'm a general contractor. I start looking at everything in the stove. I could live in the kitchen. I mean, it was awesome. I like to cook, obviously.

And the kitchen is awesome. And I was just telling, you know, look at all these copper hills. It's got an interesting, awesome deal. I walked through the whole home and just enjoyed it. And I just, you know, I try and enjoy the things before. I'm grateful my toilet's not aluminum.

I'm grateful that my drinking fountain doesn't have. The sink underneath it. I'm grateful that my keys don't have a room number attached to it, you know. And I'm still grateful for those kinds of things. And I know I don't ever want to forget where I come from, you know. And it's awesome to hear my wife share with her.

And she's my best friend and I love her a lot. And you know, I couldn't ask for anything better. And it's kind of cool that I don't have to move the mic down. Because every time she shares that she's bucking six feet, number five feet on a good night. And I always got to bring the mic down and everybody laughs. And I'm like, oh, well, it's the same thing.

It's just so cool. You know, I remember when we got married, we did not move in together to the day she we got married. She was old school. We got a room every other week, but all of a sudden, I knew what I mean. So we got married and we moved in. And I remember I got up in the morning to get some, a cup of water and she put them on the highest.

I can't reach it. You know, and I take it first and I remember calling my response, she gave me a flood of me. She put the cups in the frickin' top shelf. It's totally like a flood of me. I knew it. I knew it.

And she was like, he's like, just tell her to move the damn cups down. And I was so pissed. You know, and I take things. I'm an alcoholic. I took it off personally. My mom, when my mom met her, she had a blast.

The next week she got me my wedding present. She boosted, she stole a booster chair from Sizzler and put it in a box and gave it to me and said, she loved it. It was like, you know, 40 something years, 28 years of payback and, you know, whatever. Anyways, I just, I don't know, I like to laugh. I like to make people laugh. You know, and my sponsors said, laughter opens up the door to the heart to get the message in there.

I said, I got 24 years sober, a little bit of what it was like, what happened, what it's like today, what it was like, is I loved a friggin drink. I love alcohol. You know, in my first drink, I was 12 years old. 1983, August 17th, it was my 12th birthday. I grew up in Compton, 124th, and Alameda, a CVL 36, if you know the area. And we went down the street.

And to a girl who was turning the same birthday, she was 17. Her name was Ruby. And we crashed her birthday party, me and my brothers. And they gave me, like, I drank a little bit before on the second of, second of, on the second, on the youngest, there's a little brother and then me and then seven others. And so it's a big Mexican family, you know, and like she said, we're pretty direct. That's to say the least.

But I remember, it's like when I started turning 13, my mom would say, my sisters would come over, we have big family. And he said, we're here. He said, he's in the bathroom all the time. You know how they are at that age. I'm like, God, hey, mom, you know, and she just would like not pull any punches and stuff like that. But anyways, I remember we went on my 12th birthday.

We went to this party. And my brother, my brother gave me a bottle of Guzzano Rocco. It's red worm tequila. It's the stuff you buy in TJ that's got a cartoon worm on it and the vintage seats like 12 o'clock that night, you know, and it's got a tour stop cap and a big worm on the bottom. And before then, it's like I knew where I was. I knew where I grew up.

And I was real self-conscious like, you know, I hate that to ruin fitting or anything. I just felt weird, you know, and always embarrassed or kind of shy. The only thing I did was fight. I fought a lot if you if it felt like you made me feel stupid. I was in I was in a fight all the time, you know, and my mom said that I came out and diapers swinging, you know, and just there was a fighting all the time. And this while I went to Catholic schools all the time and I went to our Lady of Victory in Compton, a bunch of Irish nuns and going on in order for their fondness of minorities to begin with.

So when you got a fighter, it doesn't help, you know. And I remember this one event where pretty much tell you how I was before I started drinking was I was playing on the monkey bars. I was like, eight, maybe seven, second grade, how old you are. And there was a fence there. And the older kids were 13 or like really old when you're like seven, you know, like adults and three black kids were there and they were making fun of me. They were calling us names and I'm like, you know, I mean, like the fight, but I'm not stupid.

These kids are going to pummel me. And we started, they just kept going and relentless and they started talking about my dad. That was it, man. Don't talk about my dad, you know. And they saw they got a hook and I said, don't be talking about my dad. And he said, yeah, your dad's a wet back and all this stuff.

And then he said, your dad's the king of the beans. Not that the wet back thing pissed me up, but king of the beans. So I don't know what that did. That pissed me up. So I jumped the fence and that was furious. Okay.

So what that being said, have you ever seen like the karate kid, the original when Mr. Miyagi pops out of the fence and kicks everybody's ass. Okay. This was nothing like that. I proceeded to get my ass kicked to the point that if they were to tell me to huddle up in the fetal position and say, mommy, make the bad man go away, I would have, you know, I mean, I got my ass kicked big time and then the nuns got me and they had this thing called the paddle and I got that. And then my sister got me, was really helping raise me and then she had the belt and she got me and then my mom got me within the kitchen, which sucks because they got toasted cords and you know, that's the way we were raised.

So it was like a bad day, you know. And they said, remember, you see, wait to your, you know, my, if my mom went straight from chocolate at the cord, and it was the way, you know, we were all raised that way. And I remember when they said, wait till your dad gets home and we tell him, and I thought it was going to be like a little house in the prairie moment because I defended his honor, you know, and he was going to hug me and he was going to say, we're so sorry for being your ass. I'm all you are should be, and you'll be sorry and everything. And I'm, you know, I'm like, I don't know, like if you ever seen a kid like half beaten up and ain't it? And I'm looking for him to get home.

My dad gets home and he was a contractor, he ran back hose and sewers and he was, we grew up on a construction yard in Compton. He was filthy and my dad was always dirty. We never went without, he busted his ass, told us to have food for us and was tired every time he walked through the door. My mom's all, look, look what your son did and all this stuff. And you're going to fight my dad's tired. And he sits down with me and he says, why, why me who do you fight all the time?

And I thought, this is it. And I laid into him. I'll I dare for you, dad, they called you the king of the beams. He's like, what? He said, they called you the king of the beams, dad. I did it for you.

And he's like, well, hell man. Well, royalty, you know. Mom's a queen. You're a prince. Let's eat like kings, you know. And I realized I was different.

I, you know, I did not fit into this thing. Okay. Back to August 17th, I drank that bottle and after like a third of it, everything disappeared. It was awesome. Everything turned into color. You know, it was a hot August night.

I could I could talk. I wasn't afraid of that fear anymore. I could I had something to say. All those inhibitions and those fears went away. The more I drank from that bottle and they gave me a pack of Lucky strikes, you know, which was what I was smoking when I met her and and I had my wife beat her on and I had the Lucky strikes right here and I have that bottle and my Pendi would just still hang around around my shoulder and we're just dancing away. And I thought I knew that that was the answer.

If I if I would not have drank, I probably would have blown my head off. I needed that release. It was what I needed for it to work then, you know, and that girl was turning 17. They said go dance with that girl, you know, and I remember Mercy Mercy me. The DJ was playing Marvin Gaye on the DJ and he said go dance or they're not. You know, I get dance, you know, and and I went over and I started dancing with back home.

I went to the stage. She was like this tall and we started dancing. Well, this is the best night of my life. And she was like, I said, like, kiss your kiss. And I'm like, I don't know. I could do that.

You know, and I reached up and I kissed that girl and she kissed me back and I was like, I mean, it could not be the best first drunk night for a kid ever, you know. And it was awesome. And I blacked out, like turning off those old TV stuff. All our members here. And my mom found me in the alley the next day and the belt is what woke me up and then yelling in Spanish all the way home. I puked.

I threw up. It was a mess. I couldn't wait to do it again. And I grew up in the neighborhood where if you're going to do that, it's pretty easy. Because you can't walk into a barn and see, rack them up at 12, you know, they kick you out. But you can get other stuff.

And I started doing other things right away. By the time I was 13, I was stabbing my arms and getting into a lot of trouble. I got my first DUI at 15. You know, I'm not going to get it all that. I obviously, I loved that feeling and I chased it as fast as I could. We moved out to Orange County.

By the time I got sober, I had like 60 whys racked up and a bunch of other things going on there. And then I'm just going to fast forward through. I was sitting in a bar in Orange County and I met this pretty little blonde. We started shooting pool and we got married three weeks after we met because everybody said, you guys are bad news. So yeah, well, we got married, you know, and I most of the loved her because it hurt so much, man. She would beat the crap on me.

She said, I hate you, you bastard. I hate you. Hold me. And then it was awesome, you know, and I'll be the first to say that I'm not proud of that relation. It was violent that we brought the worst out of each other. And I remember waking up in the middle of the night.

Yeah, waking up in the middle of the night next to two black eyes and a busted lip. I don't remember doing it, but I know I did. I remember waking up one night and putting my hair next to her to see if she's still breathing. I don't remember doing it, but I did. Okay. And that's where I come from.

I ended up in anything, each one time and saying, I'm going out for smokes. I never saw her again. It was the best thing that I could do for her. I believe that was God's sake. You don't leave. One of us ain't going to make it.

And that was the last time I ever saw her. And I drank again to, you know, I just pummeled after that. I was sleeping on the streets and kept on drinking. Do anything that would shut off. You know what step one is for me? It means you're screwed.

It means that you know that it's going to get worse, but you do it anyways. That's what step one because if I could shut it off just for that second feel what it felt like on August 17th, it was worth it. Even though I knew the rest was going to get worse, that I was going to end up back in the park or in LA County or in Orange County, you know, and I did that for years, lived that way. And I ended up in detox in 1998. Woke up on a place called Beach, Lincoln, which is a strip. And I came out of that detox and got drunk again.

That's where I woke up and that was my last drink. I prayed to God to please help me stop drinking more than anything else in the world. And I prayed to God, please get me a drink. It was an empty bottle of potter's vodka was my last drink, you know, and I didn't know that was going to be. But I ended up in a meeting of alcoholics anonymous for nine years. And this time it was different.

A guy walked up to me and he says, you never have to drink again if you don't want to. And I took it. I took it to the deal. A complete stranger, you know. And one day I would walk five feet and cry like a baby. I'd walk another five feet and laugh like an idiot.

You know, my feelings were so wild that I'm grateful. I got a swatcher that said, you know, what I feel, my swan just said, I don't give a care shit how you feel. What I care is what you do, you know, and little by little, I understand what that meant, you know, and I got my first 60 days. And I was staying with my parents at the time. And my mom's got this huge Virgin Mary up there that would skip the crap in me since I was a kid because they would have these candles burning and doing all this stuff and looking at me, it's like you knew everything, you know, you can lie to that thing. And all these candles were there and they were for me.

And one day I got up there and I was getting ready to move into silver living and I saw my 60 day chip up there and I was pissed. I was super pissed. They were telling my sponsor, yeah, my, that bitch is copying her God. And I'm the one still shaking and seeing things across the road. It's my God. And he got pissed, really pissed.

And he said, he got in my face and he said, you better be grateful that it's her God and the people still praying for you that kept you alive long enough to find your God. And everything started changing. My mom, this little Mexican lady, didn't look like the big huge monster. I thought she was, you know. The only thing she wants for me is to stay sober and be happy, you know. And that was the beginning of Alcoholics Anonymous Magic for me changing, you know.

And like she said, what Dan Inking did, like I'm living in a silver house and I get a call. And it's a girl. And I'm like going, hello and sorry, you know, I saw you in the meeting. I was wondering if you'd like to go out on a friendship date. And I'm like, oh shit. You know, I'm like totally like, felt like a kid.

I'll call you back and I call my sponsor. Yeah. Yeah. And those sponsors like, what? This girl, she called me on a date. I don't know what to do.

And he's like, I don't know. Stupid if a pretty girl asked me out. I'd say yes, you know. Just tell her the truth. You know. And that was the one.

And so I remember saying, you know, yeah, I'd love to go out with you, but I got 60 wives and the DMV freaks out and they take away your driver's license when they do that. And you're going to have to drive and we'll have to go Dutch and I live in a store. And she was like, I already knew. She already knew. You know, and she picked me up and I was so nervous, like a little kid in the fifth grade at a dance, you know. And I remember running over there and going in my sponsor's a tree like a lady.

And I'd done my fist step with the way I treated my last wife. And there's something, but what I told you is nothing. We went way past that. And there were some things that I told her that I did that he said you could never make amends for that. The best you can do is leave her alone. And if God ever sees it fit to put another lady in your life, you treat her like a lady and that is your immense.

And I'll never forget that. I'm grateful. You didn't say, oh, write a letter. It'll be all right because I knew it wasn't going to be. You understand? And I remember to treat her like a lady.

I'm totally nervous and she's driving, right? So I run and I trip her and I'm on purpose. But I went and opened the driver's side door for her and she's looking at me like, what the F is wrong with you? You know? And she's looking at me and I'm like totally freaking out. And she just tell her the truth.

And I said, look. I got 60 miles in the DMV freaks out and they were reacting to go in my driver's license. So you got to drive. You know? And her outside would be driving. So getting the F in car.

That's what I said. And she got in. And I remember getting in the passenger side and I'm home. That's the end of this one. You know? And I'm looking out the window and I'm done just leaving.

I was so embarrassed. My pride, what pride was totally shot. And I just remember thinking, you know, the truth sucks. You know? But I had to be honest with her and I remember learning to be a friend. And you know, I mean, we've been married 22 years.

You know, I remember we get a panel. We were like two years married, maybe a year. And she said, I felt like a dork, right? And she remembered and she said, this might be the guy I'm married. And I think, wow, it's to be a dork. You know?

And I'll share more about her. I mean, we've been through some stuff. We've been married 22 years. And she has never questioned what I got to do to stay sober. You know? And to have newcomers and working with them, we've had them in the car on our dates.

I plan this is cookie. This is Mark in the back. Do you mind? She said, no, no, no. We take them on movies with us. And then we drop them off.

And I mean, I did what I was taught to bring them into the house, like Bill and Bob did. And our house is a home because we've heard fist steps to it. Our house is a home because she's heard fist steps to it. Our house is a home because we've had a lot of newcomers and people walking through it. And we work our steps through it. We got nothing to hide.

You know, no secrets. And I remember when I turned 40, I lost my job. And everything I was in a bad place, I'd gotten fired. I didn't know what I was going to do. I was running a warehouse. And my 40th birthday, I felt so down.

You know, I was at my lowest point. And at one point, I ended up in front of a liquor store. And I remember this is, you know, you need to find your own God when you get to those points. And it's the relationship that you build here. And working with newcomers that helps you get through those days. My days in the bank.

But damn, it helps to someone to have your back. You know what I mean? And I remember on my 40th birthday, right, I get up, I see my prayers. And there's a birthday card there from my wife. We didn't have a lot. We were hurting then.

And she said, happy birthday, honey. So I couldn't get you anything. But I think I wrote down 40 things that I love about you. And, OK, so she wrote them all down, right? All of them. And I was like, to him, that's pretty good.

But I do remember saying, it's like, God, was this hard. She said, at first, I thought it would be. But it was like super easy. And I felt I needed that. I needed to hear some good things about me. Because in alcoholic, we'll rather believe the bad, right?

So the card disappeared, because later on, she said, can you pick up around here? I don't think so, because that's looking number two. Because I'm pretty clean. And then she would be like, could you mind doing this? No, because I'm number six. This has a great ass.

And pretty soon, the card disappears. And I was like, what the hell happened to that card? We had a lot of fun. I remember when she didn't want to have kids, that was a big thing. Because I'm a Hispanic man. And I wanted kids.

And the decision that I had to make at the point was, how much time ago left? About 10 minutes. OK. I remember we got to tradition one, and our common welfare in the unity. And our home is unified. And I knew that if I want to grow, I made a decision that the person I want to grow with was her.

That at the end of the day, our home was a unified home, a group home. And she was my bud. And no matter what, that's what I was in for, for the long one. I remember telling her that. And the proof is, that was like 20 years ago, 15 or something. I knew that I could never see anything, or bring it up kids anymore after that, and make her feel bad about it.

Because it's her decision. But I accepted on the decision that we got a great life together. And I remember telling my mom and dad that they were going to be all broken. And they said, what the hell you want kids for? We got one. And I was like, I could get you.

We got plenty of grandkids. And I said, don't bring any of them. My mom's like, real, like, up front. She said, but get us a day. I said, me and this, but a guy. She said, where are you going to bring those little shits over here?

And I was like, oh. And I was like, all right. You know? And they said, just enjoy your life. You know, we can pick up if we want to go somewhere. And we enjoy the benefits of it.

And we've gotten to raise a lot of kids. Don't get me wrong. I've gone sponsored a lot of guys who got a lot of kids. And I've gotten to raise them and hold them, and walk them through the steps and watch your daddies get drunk. And I go through a lot. So I got no regrets when it comes to that.

With Allie Team, like the lady was talking about, watch these little kids. One time I had a little kid on my arms, he was four years old. And his mom, he'd just come on and I said, hey, how you doing? I'm going to go to bed. I think his name was Trevor or something, a cute little kid. And he said, I'm good.

He says, how's your mommy doing? My mommy's doing great. He was four. And I'm all in my wife. He says, because today my mommy can take care of herself and us. And I was like, well, well, so don't tell me that these kids don't listen and don't hear and don't have a god of their own.

And I remember that kid in just little things like that that I've gotten to go through. And I'll say this. We were like, she talks about the differences. When she talked about driving off the road, I did that shit all the time and didn't want to. And driving will take a contact sport for me. And so I remember little things we get at the end of the day is my wife.

I got up this morning and I leaned over and she didn't have a bus today. And I busted Liv. We got together and we leaned up next to her. And I said, I love you. And she said, I'm grateful that you're sober. And then we got in our knees and said our prayers together.

And went outside and had some coughing, got ready for the day. Alcoholics anonymous didn't open up the gates of heaven and let me in. But alcoholics anonymous did open up the gates of hell and let me out. The journey to heaven is through the steps, the traditions and work in the end. Just doing this, working with people. Heaven still weighs off, hopefully.

But it's there. It's around the corner. And I'll never forget when we got married, my mom said, told her the week before, was don't ever let them eat you. That was my mom's message to her. And she stood up again. It's funny, but it's sad because they knew what I was like.

And they said to my wife, and my marriage stood up and she said, I know what he was like, but he's not like that anymore. And because of you and alcoholics anonymous, I'm grateful that I'm not. That's all I got. Thank you.