A continuación se muestra una transcripción en bruto en inglés de la grabación de audio de
Rocky S. en 2022.(Haga clic para regresar)
Wow. Hi, y'all. My name is Rocky and I'm an alcoholic. First off, I want to say congratulations to those with birthdays from 25 to 29. You're not lost. I know you're here.
I know that. So I got to be honest, you know, I'm a sucker for a countdown. I was over there and I got choked up. It's for one, I'm dramatic. My mom always told me so. And it's not lost on me.
What happens in here? It's not lost. I get it. It's very unlikely that a man is selfish and self-centered and self-pitting as I am to be standing here. I stand on the show. I want to say thank you to Mark before I get going.
Thank you to Mark B. I don't know if you guys noticed. Yes. I'm going to get you. He chucked me around all through town. It's beautiful town.
I don't know if you know this, but Mark makes a world famous potato salad. And he confessed to me that he is a little bit hurt that you guys don't ask him more to make it. So if you guys ever have any event you guys have, please ask Mark to make his potato salad. Gotcha. Anyways, like I was saying, it's not lost on me what happens. And I am a dirty lowdown, bottom dirt bag.
You know, I was born, selfish and self-centered. And I like to say that I became self-aware. The first memory that I have is in 1985. And I'm holding my father's hand and I'm walking through New Life Christian Center. It's a church in Texas. And I had the thought that I'm not normal.
I'm not normal. I knew I wasn't normal. And I don't know what that consists of or how my little five-year-old brain was taking that in. But I knew that I wasn't normal. And it was so, it hit me so hard that I shook my dad's head and I said, Dad, what year is it? And he said, it's 1985 son.
And I told myself, I'm going to remember this. I'm going to remember this because I became self-aware. And I knew from that moment on something was wrong with me. It just wasn't quite right. You know, I'm five years old. How can I articulate that?
I'm an alcoholic. I'm selfish and self-centered. I have a God-sized hole inside of me. I don't know any of that crap. I just knew that I wasn't normal. My father, he's 100% oaky, blue-eyed corn fed oaky.
You know, come from Oklahoma. My mom's a full-blooded Navajo Indian. I don't know. I'm a mutt. But I'm proud to be that. From that time, from being five years old, and I only know this in hindsight, looking back, you know, my father, growing up, my father, he was a Vietnam vet, very quiet, stands tall, very dangerous man.
People, he commanded respect and people kind of like backed up when he walked around. I just, this is the way I saw when I was a kid. It was just a very scary man and people did not mess with him. And when they did, it didn't go well for them. But my father was a very humble, very quiet man. And I knew that I wasn't like that.
I was full of fear. I was always so afraid. I was a sissy. I was not like my dad, and I wanted to be like my dad. But I couldn't be that way. And so from a very early age, what I figured out, I was going to do was manipulate, was going to lie, was going to use self-pity.
It's how I controlled you. And it's how I got what I want because I'm just, I'm not a person of character. And I'm a little kid, and I hate talking about that way about a little kid. But it's really, it's what I knew. It was the earliest thing, manipulation, lying. It started out from the gate for me.
And it went like that for a long, long time. When I was 10 years old, we moved from Oklahoma to California. And it was a big culture shock. I didn't go to school. My mom homeschooled me until I was in sixth grade. And so I didn't have any social skills.
But it was true to form. I manipulated. I lied. I cheated. I stole all the way through my life. You know, I got into, I went to sixth grade.
I got into sixth grade finally. And I was, it was confirmed by mostly everybody I ran into that I was a weirdo. Yeah. I was a total weirdo man. And I talked like this. I had a draw.
I've worked very hard to get that to go away. And now that I'm 42 years old, I wish I had it back. It's kind of cool, man. But it is what it is. I can fake it pretty good. But you know, and so it was hard.
I had a rough time in school and it was, I grinded it out. I was just, it felt my whole life. It was just grinding. Everything was grinding and it looked so easy for everybody else. And even in my family, right? My mom's this full blooded Navajo Indian.
She's as gorgeous as the day is long, tragically alcoholic to this day, but she was gorgeous as long black hair, beautiful, beautiful lady. And everywhere we went, people were always gawking over her telling her how beautiful she was. It was sickening. And then my father, he's just this big, I mean, oaky, handsome, chiseled, job, bright, blue-eyed man. And he was a womanizer and he, you know, women gawked at him everywhere we went. And I have a younger sister who's a year and eight months younger than me and God.
I mean, we go to the mall, we go to the grocery store. It didn't matter where we went. Someone, it seemed like there was always a child magazine recruiter at every store we went to. No. Because, man, every corner, oh my God, here's my card. She's so beautiful.
Let's put her in movies and magazines and shit. And I'm just like, oh my God. So it was like, we're all standing there, right? And they do all this. They gawk over my whole family. And this is what it felt like my life was like.
They'd look at me and go, I'm sure you're a nice kid. Yeah. And I just knew I was different. I just, I felt like the brown kid in a white world, you know, and it was just my story. And but when I got into high school, I don't know something changed. I, I got into a fight.
I didn't want to get into a fight, but someone like threatened my sister and I pretended to be tough and I beat this kid up. And then all of a sudden I got invited to parties. And like, yeah, they're like, you want to come to a party? I was like, okay. And I started going to parties. I started drinking.
You know, I didn't become an alcoholic. And I, you know, I don't even know when it happened. But I started going to parties. I started loosening up and I stopped caring. I stopped giving a crap. And man, the world opened up to me.
It really did. I, I made a lot of friends. I started acting stupid doing things that other people wouldn't do. And I got popular. But, you know, I wasn't an alcoholic and I don't remember being an alcoholic back then. I was just a troubled kid, you know, looking for attention.
And we graduated high school and it seemed like I started to drink more. And they talk about that invisible line. I started to drink more and they, my friends started to like go to college and shit. And some started getting married and some were even like buying houses. And I, I was like trying to buy the cheap plastic gallon of vodka and deliver pizzas, you know. And I wanted to be a good person.
I wanted to be a productive member of society. I wanted to be a good son. I wanted to do all these things. I wanted to be great. I wanted to make a difference. But I just had to grind it out.
I had to just to become plain Jane. It was all I could do, you know. And it just didn't work for me. And in the absence of time here, I'm going to tell you that all the people in my life moved forward and onward and upward. And by the end, I'm living in streets and alleys. And I don't know why, you know.
I wanted to do good. I wanted to be a nice guy and I wanted to be a good son and brother and uncle. I mean out of trash cans. I'm putting needles in my arms and I'm doing anything I can do to get that vodka. You know, and I wish it would have happened a lot faster than it did. But it's, it happened slowly for a guy like me, you know, little by little, I chipped away at my morals and my character.
Just gave it away so small that you almost don't even know it's happening, right? I need to get that alcohol, but it's going to take a little piece of this right here. And I just give it away a little by little, almost that I don't notice in by the end. I'm, I'm a shell of a man. I'm more dead than alive. And I'm eating out of trash cans and I'm doing things that I never thought I would do.
I'm here to tell you and I'm a coward, but there is not anything that I wouldn't do to get my alcohol. I will hurt you. I will let you hurt me. I will do disgusting things. There is nothing when I say nothing. There is nothing I won't do to get that bottle because this is the only relief that I have found.
You know, so many people tried to help me. So many preachers and counselors and mothers and fathers and friends. What's wrong with you? Just stop drinking. Just stop drinking. Just stop drinking.
And I tried. If you're like me, I tried a million times to stop drinking. And every time I stop drinking, I went freaking insane. I wish I could tell them, you know, hindsight looking back. If I could go back, I'd look at him and go, I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I feel like I'm dying every day.
Something's wrong with me and I don't want to die, but I feel like dying. And when I take a drink, everything's okay. I can last one more day. I don't want to be like that, but it's all I can do if you knew how I felt you drink too. But I didn't know to say that. They'd say, what's wrong with you?
And I'd say, I don't know. And I just walked away and I never talked to him again. And I'm in the streets for years and years and years. And there's this one time that my sister, my younger sister is an alcoholic and a drug addict like me. And when I was on the street, apparently she went to some rehab center. And by this time she's got a little little kid.
The first time I ever fell in love was with her son, my nephew. And they used to come find me. They used to come find me on the street. Sometimes I found this that they sometimes they wouldn't find me. And sometimes she'd find me on the street. She always had this girl with her and I find out later as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.
My sister was in Alcoholics Anonymous at that time, but I didn't really know that because she practiced a principle attraction rather than promotion. She would find me sometimes on the street dirty in my mud. Haven't taken my clothes off for a month. I mean, when I finally had to pull my clothes off, I'd peel my socks off of my feet. And I'm not trying to be gross. This is the truth.
Skin would come off of it. I mean, I do not shower. And she'd find me sometimes and she'd say, Hey brother, I love you. I miss you. She'd go, I need my car washed. You want to wash my car?
And she did it every time. She'd take me to the car wash. She'd give me car wash tokens. I'd wash her car. We'd go to Little Caesar. She'd buy me a five dollar pizza and she'd just sit there and tell me how much she loved me and the girl in the back would ask me normal questions.
They pretend like, I mean, it was crazy. Like if I made dirt bag like my face is black, it looks like I've been playing in coal. You know what I mean? I have sores everywhere. Sores on my arm. Abscesses, my fingers are rubbed down to the nub.
I stink like you couldn't believe. And they didn't even flinch. They would never, they acted like I was normal coming out of church. And never once did she sit me there and say, Hey, I go to these meetings. You need these meetings. Talk about the steps.
Throw a book at me. Nothing. She did none of that. Thank God she did because it wouldn't work. I want to listen to shit. She said she just came and she loved me and she found me.
And so by the end, she couldn't find me anymore. And it's been years. And so Bridey had had done a lot for her and she had a cell phone in an apartment and she, she wrote me a letter once and it got to me and I kept that letter in my pocket and I had her cell phone. And by the time that letter I used it, there was holes in it. And it was, I'd been to jail many, many times. And the only thing that I could keep was that damn letter.
And I remember I'm done. I don't know that I want to stay sober. I don't know that I want to, I don't know anything. But I know I cannot do what I'm doing anymore. And I said that a hundred times, but there's something that happens. I'm tired and not the tired like I need to go to sleep.
You guys, I have a feeling that you know that tired. It's to the bone. So tired. I'm so lonely. So lonely hurts and I'm so tired. I haven't, by this time I haven't talked to, I had a conversation with another human being and I don't know how long.
I haven't been any place new, like nice. Any place that had great wall. Like I've been in dirty, nasty places that wherever I went was the absence of God. That's the only way I can describe it. It was just the absence of God everywhere that I was. And I'm tired.
And the only thing I can think of to do is to go panhandle 50 cents and use that letter. I go into the corner in my city and I panhandle 50 cents and there's a, there's a pay phone right there. And I call that number on that letter and she answers. All I could say was something that I said a hundred times, a million times before and it was to get a sandwich, another buck. It was to get a ride. It was to do something.
It wasn't to get help. But this time I said, Hey Simone, she said, brother, it's getting you help me. So of course I can help you. Now I'm in this city, Whittier. She's in Downey. It's like four miles away, right?
She explains to me how to get to her house. I swear it was like the walk through the Sahara for four miles. It felt like it took 40 days and 40 nights and I was like crawling. So I didn't probably took two hours, but it felt like a whole like the sun went up and down 10 times in my head. It was crazy. By the time I get there, she maybe washed my clothes that I had on me twice.
Yeah, true story. And then all I can really remember about that two weeks is the sun coming up and down. I would wake up sometimes in like a zombie, go to her fridge and be like, ah, and stuff, whatever I could in there. And I lay back down on the couch. And I can't tell you how many times I'd be laying on that couch and I open my eyes and my little nephew's face with you right there and be breathing on. And for a second, I feel happiness, right?
And then I'd realize what was happening. I had puked. I had puked all over my sister's floor in her couch from detoxing. And she could see the incomprehensible, demoralizing look in my eye. And she put her hand on me, said, no, it's okay. It's okay.
It's okay. Another time I wake up, same thing happened. And I realized what was going on. And she had my pants off and I had shit myself all over her all over her things. And the look on my face and the feeling I get, she could tell. And she put her hand on me while she's cleaning up and said, it's okay.
It's okay. What an example. And by the time about two weeks went by, I started to feel better. And she looked at me and she said, your clothes are washed. Do you want to go out to eat? And I'm like, again, I have not been into a nice restaurant in years.
And that's not even being, really, I have not been into a nice restaurant years. And I was like, hell yeah, let's go. We loaded up the baby. She put me in the front seat and we took off. And we pull up and I see all these people. Piles of smoke flying everywhere outside the door.
Smoke everywhere. And there's all these people. What she did was she tricked me. The funny thing is really though, is she didn't have to. I'd been willing to go anywhere. That was nice and safe.
Anywhere that had a roof on it. And so what I now know to be, it's called the Thursday night speaker meeting, Downey speaker meeting at the women's club. It's not just a woman's meeting, it's just a place where we hold it at. Some of the oldest meetings in Southern California. And apparently, so I'm walking. I get out and she was like, we're at an A meeting.
And I was like, cool. And I'm walking right now. I'm walking to that meeting. And I'm walking with my head down. Everywhere I go, I walk in my head down. It literally took me months in sobriety to learn to look up.
And I walk with my head down for two reasons. One, if you walk with your head down, you'll find some really good cigarette butts. You know, I wish I was joking. That's true. They're like, gold. Every time I find a good one, I say, thank you, God.
And the second reason is, is because I'm kind of a weirdo. And I'm kind of, I've always been a little bit spiritual and not in a good way, but I just, something happens when two human beings meet eyes. I swear, it's like one soul saying something to another one, it's acknowledging you. And something happens inside. I feel it, even to random strangers, I think it's respect and you look someone in the eye. And I cannot let that happen.
I cannot take the chance of looking you in the eye because I know who I am. I know what I am. I'm dirty and nasty. The things I've done suffice it to say some shit just don't wash out. You know, there are people that are no longer on this earth and not because I've killed them, but because of the direct actions that I've taken out on the street, people are dead. That shit you can't, you can't make up for that.
And I know this. And so I'm walking into that meeting looking down and before you know, boom, my hand is in another hand. And I'm locked eyes with someone and I say, hi, my name is so-and-so. What's your name, Rocky? There's coffee over there and there's a seat over there. I'm glad you're here.
I'm like, holy crap, can't let that happen again. Boom! Another one. There's just a hand in my hand. What's your name? What's your name?
You guys are crazy, man. You know, what's your name, man? You know, yeah, with sponsor. I'm like, I'm like, five minutes old, dude. Put this hand in my hand. I'm glad you're here.
There's coffee over here. Those cookies over there. There's a seat over there. I'm glad your hair goes sit down. It just, it must have happened like 10 times. And I'm kind of like overwhelmed, overwhelmed at what's going on.
I have no idea what's going on. I'm overwhelmed when I sit in this seat. And apparently, my first meeting, there is a sometime, some big-time guy named Clancy, I speak in that night. I've come to know Clancy very well since then, but I'm gonna tell you, I didn't hear shit. He said that night. Not because of what he said didn't have depth and weight, right?
But I'm out of my mind. And I'm already like, what I, when I left that meeting, I didn't go, I'm gonna be in AA forever. This is awesome. I'm gonna be sober. I thought that was nice. Those people were nice.
I'd go to another one. And it's what I did. The next day, the next day, I went to another meeting, which, I tell you, it's not lost on me. What happens in here? The next day, I go to a Friday night, real, in Downey. The reason I'm emotional is because I give credit to that meeting for raising this man.
I stand on the shoulder of giants, and not because they're any better than humans. These people were humans, but these men and women, these giants of mine, they knew exactly what I needed. And they took me in. And sometimes they were gentle, and sometimes they were very rough. And they slowly spoon fed me this new way of living, slowly they knew exactly how I needed it. And they breathed life back into me.
And I didn't even know it was happening. But I show up to that meeting. And my, this guy comes and walks up to me and he grabs my hand and says, hey, Rocky, good to see you again. I couldn't take it. He remembered my name. I'm coming from places that are absent of God.
I know the things I've done, I have nothing. No one remembers my name anymore. And then not not poor me, pity kind of way. They shouldn't. I'm not worth it. But this guy remembered my name, changed my life.
And even then I didn't go, oh, I'm going to be in forever. This is awesome. I thought, this is good. I'll come back. I'll come back to another one of these. And that's what I did for the next two weeks.
And there was something there called game night. But they have this game night and down. Jesus Christ, these ridiculous people. I got invited to game night. And by this time, I had been hanging around another guy. He had like 30 days more than me.
And he had a car. So he was taking me all the meetings. It was awesome. I was lucky. I got sober when there was a lot of people in my group around my age and around my time. And so I got invited to game night and I walk in there.
And there's a lot of people and I still have, I'm uncomfortable around people. And I see a bean bag in the corner and I go, beeline, boom, straight for that bean bag. And I sit in that bean bag and I start looking around and seeing what's going on. And I see one of the most ridiculous things that I've ever seen in my life. I see a group of about 10 or so people standing in front of this huge screen TV. And I mean, and eclectic people.
I mean, black, white, older, younger, men, women. And there's this one main lady. That's not you. There's, sorry. I told him I said, give me a timer and let her ring loud. Who cares if they get mad at you?
Anyways, there's this one lady. She's got fiery red hair standing in the middle and she's doing this. She's old lady, man. She's doing the cabbage patch. She's laughing. Her name's Nancy Cook.
My friend Mickey Cook's wife, what I know, she's like, okay, we don't have anybody who like, we don't have anybody who runs these and nobody's in charge, right? But let's be honest, there's like people we hold high. Mickey and Nancy Cook are those people in Downey. So Nancy Cook, this fiery red head crazy lady is dancing and they're laughing and doing the cabbage patch. I'm not embarrassed for her. I'm like, oh my God, what is happening?
That's not even the worst part. So I'm looking at them like these people are dumb. And then I realize what's happening. They're laughing and dancing because they're watching themselves on that TV. Someone had taken a video of them that we can before at a party they were at of them laughing and dancing. So Nancy Cook and all those same girls around on the TV going like this and now they're in person going like this and I'm like, what?
Like I was blown away. My mind said this is ridiculous. Get the hell out of here. True. I'm being serious. I was like, run.
This is dumb. If the people where I came from saw me hanging out with these people, they would kick my ass so bad. And my heart, this is what changed for me. My heart said I want to be a part of this. I couldn't lie to myself. I wanted it.
And it instantly broke because like I said, I know me. I've tried every way to be a good person. There's nothing left I can do. There's no more solutions for me. And I knew that I can't be a part of this. And I guess you could see the the distraught on my face because that guy that I've been hanging out with who's 30 days older than me said, hey, do you want me to take you home?
Are you okay? I said, yes, take me home now. And I get into his car and I didn't say anything. But for the first time in literally years, it just pops open in my head and I just start crying. Crying saw them like a crazy little sissy, like snop bubble out of the nose type of shit. And he didn't say anything.
We pulled up in front of my house and he said, hey, you want to walk around the block? He said, sure. Let's walk around the block. And we walked around the block, didn't say a word to each other. And we walk around the block again, didn't say a word to each other. And I know you're new.
I don't know how many new people are in here. I tried to pay attention. But I want the new people to hear this. This guy had 60 days. He stopped me. And he looked at me and he asked me a couple questions.
He said, Rocky, do you think that you're an alcoholic? And I kind of smirked and stopped crying. I was like, yeah, yeah, I'm an alcoholic. And then he asked me, he said, hey, do you have a desire to stop drinking? I looked at him as serious as I could and I meant it with all my heart. I said, yes.
And the next thing that man said, I, I attributed it to the grace of God coming down and me being willing at the same time. It was a perfect storm. He looked at me and he said, then you're in. You're in. And I believed him. Second, I believed him.
And I hit the floor running, man. I did. I was that crazy pink cloud newcomer guy who was soaked to the bone with vodka and meth amphetamine. Just bouncing around your meeting. I want to pick up every chair. I want to throw everything away for you.
You know what I mean? Like, let me read. Let me read. Let me read. I wanted it. I wanted it.
And I believed it for the first time. For the first time I swear to God in my life, I had hope. I had hope. And it's infectious, man. And I did that. Man, you guys spoon fed me this way alive.
And my life got good. You weren't lying. Everything in my life has been full of shit. I've been a bullshitter and everything I've tried has been unreal. It's all been fake. It's all fake.
And this, I was being so bad it wasn't fake. And it wasn't. My life started getting better. I started doing stuff. I started sponsoring people. You guys know how it goes.
The story goes boom. Boom. I'm all about alcoholics anonymous. By this time, I'm five six years sober. I got my own house. I got my own little, I got my own little work truck.
I'm back in the union. I'm a carpenter by trade. I'm back in the union. I got the prettiest girl in the room. And my sister's gone out though. It's the only thing wrong in my life.
My sister's gone out and she got that little boy with it. And you know the things that we do. But something's not right. I'm doing everything you're telling me to do. Five, six years sober, something starts feeling uneasy. Sounds not right.
And it gets worse and worse and the stronger and stronger. And I'm not talking too much about it to too many people. But I've been trained at five, six years. I talked to some people, my sponsor and a couple other spiritual advisors about it. And they say, man, just keep going. Don't give up.
You know, you got to surrender. You got to surrender. Okay. And it gets worse. And it gets worse. And it gets worse.
And not, I'm feeling suicidal. And not in the I want attention. Like I don't I'm not telling you by this. And I'm really trying hard to play it off. But I'm telling you, I'm starting to get suicidal. And I don't want to die.
I'm starting to feel betrayed. I've been given a taste of this honey that you guys offer here that that big book those 12 steps give you I got a taste of it. And I love it. And I wanted to do what it said. And I want to live that way forever. And something's happened.
I don't know what and now I want to die. I'm I feel betrayed. And but I'm calling and I'm not giving up when I'm asking. Oh, man, I'm in one way or another. Everybody that I talked to about it was like, you just got to surrender. Huh, you'll be okay.
I don't like no, you don't understand. I want to die. And my sponsor has me praying intensely. And I'm praying intensely. I'm on the shower floor, like crying and sobbing. And give me an answer, God, please direct me.
Give me an answer. I need to like whatever you want me to do, please give me an answer. And so it's Valentine's Day. I get a phone call from my very pretty girlfriend. She dumps me. And I'm like, that's not the answer I want to answer.
And it's funny now, but when you're already suicidal and then you have the issues that I have with women in relationships, oh my God. So then the next day, guys, I get a call and says, hi, this is CPS. We're at your nephew's school here with the police. If you don't come pick him up, he's going into foster care. And I'm like, I am not a daddy. I'm not a parent like, no way.
Do you know what I mean? Like, I'm a pretty good human now, but I cannot be responsible for a child. Like that is not. And I also can't let him go into foster care. So I go pick him up and like that, I'm in charge of this little kid. I want to die.
And I'm insane. And I'm this kid now, you can imagine he's been through the things that we go through. My sister has dragged him through ungodly places. He's got a little bit of trouble going on. And now we're both these two troubled kids basically living together. And I realized the first night I was like, shit, I'm in trouble.
Because like, I guess I had to feed him. And I was like, Oh my God, like you got to go to school. Like I go to work. I'm up at 4th and I'm out of the house by 5 and there's nowhere to drop a kid off at 5 o'clock in the morning. I'm like, Oh my God. I get on a horn, right?
I get on a horn with everybody that I can. And I got a handle, but I realized this is going to be hard. So I get him a ride to school. I go to work. And my supervisor was there where he's not usually at first thing in the morning. And I'm a good worker.
I'm not late. And he goes like that to me. And I was like, huh. Because I got to let you go. I got to let you all. It's nothing you did.
I'm like Disney answer. I wanted either. So now I'm wanting to die and I'm grinding it out again. In Alcoholics Anonymous, completely unhappy, completely wanted to die grinding it out. And I feel betrayed. And I'm grinding it out, grinding it out with that little boy.
And we're both miserable. We're both grinding it out. And I decide how I'm going to kill myself. And I don't tell anybody about it. And I'm trying to cause at least collateral damage. And I got this little side job.
And now I'm having to pack this kid's lunch. And I got to give him a shower. And I got to bathe him and shower him and feed him and get him to school. And then I got to even pick him up. God, and then let him watch TV. I want to watch the TV.
I paid for the TV. I don't let him watch the TV. Ah, and then I get this little side job. And I remember I'm driving on the freeway. And it was nothing special. I'm driving there and I'm looking at the cars going this way on the freeway.
And I hear a voice. Now I want to tell you guys, I heard a voice from in here. If there's nobody there in your hear a voice right here that's called Schizophrenia. Go get help. But I heard it. I heard a voice.
And they said, Rocky, you're not okay. Rocky. Everything's not going to be okay. And I was like, what? It's a Rocky. You already are okay.
Rocky. Everything's always been okay. And went, boom. This is what I equated to. It was like this. I was living my life like this.
Even in alcoholics and none of us are living like this. And at that moment I went, and it all flooded through. Like I had surrendered my life to alcoholics and none of this, right? I had surrendered all kinds of stuff to read the big wigs, the 12 steps, the sponsor people. But I had ideas on how my career was supposed to go. And I was going to make it happen.
And I had ideas on how my relationship was supposed to go. And it's going to go that way. And I had ideas on all kinds of things. I didn't realize that I was taking control of my life. Man, I'm here to tell you, you guys, ladies and gentlemen, we are in the footwork business. It's what we do.
We do the footwork. We are not in the results business. And I had to learn that the hard way. And what happened to me is I realized all the way five, six years into sobriety and alcoholics anonymous. And I thought it was a good thing. I thought that my point, the point to life was to try to be happy, right?
It sounds normal. It sounds okay. We all want to be happy. Let's be happy. At least Rocky does. This is my opinion now.
I want to be happy. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be happy. And that's what I'm going to set my sights on and do is be happy. And at that moment I realized something. I realized that happiness is an emotion. It's just an emotion.
And I'm human. I have the human condition. And we're going to, it's like a circle that spins. And we're going to go through all the emotions. Happy, sad, excited, pain, joy. And there is nothing any of us can do to stop those.
It's going to happen. We're going to be as long as we're alive, those emotions are going to spin like a wheel. And trying to keep myself stuck on one is futile. It's not going to happen. I'm just going to get let down every time. And I realized instead of being happy, what I wanted to be was free.
I want to be a free man. And that's why I set my sights on, is being free. And it's not like I walked the life of impunity. But from that moment on, I knew no matter what, no matter what comes on the bike, because I've seen people go through it. There isn't anything I haven't seen you guys go through in Alcoholics Anonymous and get through it sober. And I know that I can do the same thing.
I'm running out of time. I want to tell you so that pretty girl we ended up getting married. She had some learning to do and I had some learning to do. And we both came back grownups. And we got together and we got married. Getting married to her was the best day of my life.
And we started trying to have a baby right away. And we're both older, right? And she got pregnant. And I remember it was at her 15, she's 20 years sober now. And it was at her 15 year party. She called it a kincey and yet.
She's a little Latino woman. Kincey and Yada. Like, God, she's so dramatic. She loves all of us. She likes to dress up. I think it's because she wanted to dress up.
But she considered her 15 year party. She made it a freaking kincey and had a man. And I was so, she was like, you have to wear this. And she like made us all dress up. And she was so crazy about it. And I remember, I was like getting irritated with her like, Jesus Christ.
And I remember, you know, we all had a party for her. She sat up there. She said stuff. And then she called me up there to share. I'm standing up there and she, somebody hands her this box and she hands me the box. And I was like, a present for me.
I opened the box and it was a little, there's a little onesie that said surprise. I'm telling you, better than any drug. It was the most, I felt like I was floating. Leave it. It was the most insane feeling I ever had in my life. That one and two, two after that we lost.
We lost those babies. It's crazy, crazy. And by the time she got pregnant a fourth time years later, she told me she was pregnant and I said, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I couldn't, I meant it. I was, you guys can imagine the payment.
I was like, God, sorry. You got to do this again. And I have a one year and eight months old baby at home right now. When Mark asked me to speak here, my wife has family in Arizona. I have a lot of work out in Arizona. I'm a contractor now.
And we had a, we bought a home. I mean, we're the first person to buy a home and I'm in our family. Like we come from ghetto, we're ghetto kids. My wife was like, this company out there was trying to had helped me to get me to go work out there. And I would always blame it on my wife. I'd be like, Hey man, I'd go work for you.
That's great money. But my wife will just never do it, man. I don't know if you know these Mexican women, but she's not gonna have it yet. And I would tell her about it and she'd be like, Why not? Let's go. Let's go.
And finally she started obsessing about houses and she convinced me to go out there. We sold our house two years ago in Fullerton and we moved to Arizona. And since day I got there, since day I got there, she's something happened to her. You know what I mean? I'm not here to tell her story, but she wasn't happy. And she shut down.
She shut down emotionally, physically. It was like living with a bad roommate. She wouldn't talk to me. And we grinded it out together for a year and a half. And it's about four months ago. She I came home and she's like, I called my old job.
They're gonna give it back to me. We're going to me and your son are going to California. We're moving back to LA. And I'm like, You guys, I I bought the biggest home. I was a I bought a land and our dream home. I started working on it.
I I thought I was doing a good thing, you know, and I was. It really had nothing to do with me. But I again, my world got rocked. I packed her up in a trailer and I moved her and my little boy back here. And I'm driving home. I got to figure out how to pack this whole house by myself and get it.
I just did a lot going on and now I got to sell this house. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I hope my wife's okay. Like, I've never spent the night without my baby and all that stuff's going on in my head. And I'm trying to also be tough and strong, you know. And on the ride home back, she calls me and says, um, I've looked up this really great marriage counselor.
And I want to do it. But um, in the meantime, I want to be separated. And I was like, what? I haven't changed. I'm still the same guy. You marry like, I don't know what's going on.
And um, but I did it. I talked about it and I gritted it out. I let her be. I let her be human. And she let me be human. I learned a lot in here.
You guys let me be how I needed to be. And you showed me through your actions how to be a better person. And I ticked the things that you taught me and the things that you showed me by example. And I took them into my home. And sometimes it's really, really hard. Sometimes I don't think that I can do it.
Because if I'm going to do what you guys taught me to do, it's going to be painful. It's going to hurt a whole lot. And my way is going to be a little easier. But I did what you guys told me to do. And um, she came through it. She came through it.
And because I got the hell out of the way and like God and professionals, therapists do their work. You know what I mean? And um, I can't tell you how excited I am to be here. I can't tell you how much I love alcoholics anonymous. Alcoholics anonymous is responsible for everything good I have in my life. And alcoholics anonymous is responsible for everything bad pulling it out.
Today I'm a free man. Today I stand before you and I feel all the emotions. I feel happiness, sadness, and joy and pain. Oh man, do I feel pain? And having said that, I can step back and tell you I'm a free man. I'm a free man.
I remember of alcoholics anonymous and good standing and I'm a free man. I don't know how to pay back those people like you who spoon fed me this way of life. But this is the promise that I'll make to you. On the good days of my life, I will try to live it in gratitude and gratefulness and walk that way. On the bad days of my life, I will not give up. I will not give up.
I walk with my head high no matter what. For those of you who have found what I found in this program, I'll see you on the firing lines. Thank you for my life.