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Annette C. en 2024.(Haga clic para regresar)
Hi, my name is Annette and I'm an alcoholic. And I'm also a member of Al-Anon. Thank you, Kathleen, for inviting me to share. And if I'm not speaking into the microphone, let me know because I'm not used to this. So, my sobriety date is October 31st, 2008.
I have my home group is topic tag. It meets Thursday's in Monterrey at seven o'clock. I have two sponsors. One is my Al-Anon sponsor and the other one is my AA sponsor. I have a service commitment and I'm the DCMC currently in general service.
So, I know I'm a double winner for my AA Al-Anon membership, but I almost feel like there should be a special category for also being in general service. And maybe that already exists. It's summer, sicker than others. No, I love general service and it's given me the opportunity to push myself into doing things I would normally run from because they make me feel so incredibly uncomfortable. And just when I think I've had enough, it's time to go back and do it some more.
So, there's a lot for me to learn in my service position, which is, I think, why I have it. So, I came to Alcoholics Anonymous originally when I was 20 years ago, and I was 20, although my sobriety date is October 31st, 2008 today. Obviously, I didn't stick. I've had a relapse. But, you know, I came into the rooms and at the time I found a solution and as long as I'm attending meetings and working the steps with a sponsor, I have a solution for my disease of alcoholism.
But what happened for me was very quickly I felt much better. And I decided that this beautiful life I was given through working the steps about Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't feel like drinking anymore and I just decided to go out and live the life that had been given to me. And I stopped going to meetings. I stopped communicating with my sponsor and I slowly got sicker and sicker. I eventually relapsed, but one of the symptoms for my alcoholism when I stopped drinking is not, I don't necessarily have the urge to drink.
What I do become is incredibly angry and fearful when I'm not working the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. And what eventually brought me back to the rooms was my anger and fear. It was suggested to me quite strongly from a therapist that I attend an Allen meeting as soon as possible and to attend six of them without making any decision whether I liked it or not or if it was good for me. And then she also strongly suggested that I return to AA. And I of course told her that I didn't need to go to AA because I didn't feel like drinking.
And she just kind of laughed and said, you need a meeting. So I went to Allen on and I think the first meeting I just spent the entire time crying. And what brought me to my niece as I told you was my incredible anger and fear and my behavior. And so what that looked like for me was I had just gone through a divorce. We'd sold our house to complete the divorce and my amazing only child had turned 18 and he didn't need me to do the mothering I was living doing so much anymore.
I had no solution for the way I felt or for my behavior. I was completely isolated and miserable. So the first meeting I attended I just cried most of the time. But you know my higher power was there with me because there was an amazing woman who I later asked to be my sponsor. And she has walked me through this program and given me, you know, through the steps has helped to give me the life that I have today which is really beyond my wildest dreams.
And with her I've learned, you know, a lot of slogans through working the steps and talking about my behavior. I think the four M's are helpful. You know, martyrdom, manipulation, mothering. And then the last one that I can never remember because I'm normally doing that is management. Which I also consider, you know, trying to control situations.
Because, you know, I would love to manipulate you into and take care of you and at the same time make you feel really bad about it. And then the alcoholic in me is mad at you because you're not doing it right and then I'd like to just quit. Another thing I would be constantly talking to my sponsor about how, you know, I would go to some, like, a person and try to talk to them about something and, you know, they just weren't doing it right. Like, they weren't listening to me, they weren't there for me. And she would say, well, why, when are you going to quit going to the hardware store and asking for a loaf of bread?
What? And she was basically, what it was is I was not accepting people as they were. I would look at people as the way I wanted them to be or I demanded them to be. But basically I kept looking at people to provide for me what they could not, right? Because my demands were normally unrealistic.
I now know that I need to look for most of those demands in my spiritual program. And that the best way for me to do that is through working the steps. The other thing she asks me is, did anyone ask me for my opinion? And even if they did, oftentimes I should not be giving it. And I must say she's right.
Like, the amount of times people are asking for my opinion are incredibly, like, my nudes. And even when they are, yeah, people don't really want to hear. And that's good. See, that's where the humility starts for me is I have to realize that, you know, I need to apply that tradition to my life in both my Al-Anon and my AA life is that I really don't have opinions, I shouldn't have opinion on outside issues. And those are really everything that's outside of me and my behavior.
The other thing she says to me is to beware the sense of urgency. When I came to these rooms, everything was an emergency. Everything was a trauma and a huge problem. And what I've learned now is almost nothing is very few things are. Unless something's written, you know, like a car is coming at me and I need to run and get out of the way.
But that's very seldom and normally that's because I'm jaywalking, right? So, those slogans help me so much and it helps me just to remember where I need to be. And I also have an amazing AA sponsor. The way I found her was I first now today live a life where I consult my sponsors about what I'm going to do. And I talked to my Al-Anon sponsor about meeting an AA sponsor.
And so she suggested I pray about it, which I did. And then I went to an AA meeting and I heard this woman speak for maybe three minutes. And I was like, oh, that's the woman I need to ask to sponsor me. That was all I knew of her. It's the first time I'd ever seen her.
And then since then through the wisdom of my hair power, I've grown to see how she's the perfect sponsor for me and how things that were to come to pass in my life, she would have all this knowledge where she could help and support me. And, you know, through working the steps in both these programs, I've been able to face the things I was so afraid of when I came here and the things I couldn't look at and I was so angry about. You know, so last night and today I was thinking about, you know, what I would say today and I started reading a passage. One is in the big book and it's the story that I think so many people love is and its acceptance is the answer. And the reason I read that was I remember being in a meeting with Alcoholics Anonymous and it was being read.
And one of the first things he says is, and one of the things I literally used to say, if you had a husband like mine, you'd drink too. And my husband wasn't an alcoholic, right? Because I don't need you to be an alcoholic for me to want to control and manipulate you. You can just exist as you are. I used to literally say that about him.
I really believed that if I could control his behavior, if he would just do what I wanted him to do, I would be happier. Today that sounds crazy and it did is insane, which, you know, brings me to step two. But when I read Acceptance as the answer, I realized that, you know, I've always, my whole life, even as a child, I was incredibly sensitive to everything. To my feelings, to noises, to my environment. And I think drinking and using is one of the ways that I numbed my pain, obviously, and the world around me, because it just seemed too intense for me.
But when alcohol, the problem for me is though once I start drinking and using, the consequences build up so incredibly quickly and I end up in a car accident, in a hospital, I'm arrested. I just can't continue with that behavior because it's so extreme for me. And then I don't have any solution to my problems. So I go right into this out of control, allen on behavior. And what that manifests is I'm screaming and yelling at people.
I'm trying to control them. I'm acting in ways that are completely unacceptable to them and to me. And oftentimes I can tell I'm behaving this way by the look on their face when they're looking at me. I don't have the awareness that I'm doing this, but they look at me like, you're crazy. And I need to talk to my sponsor.
So when I was reading the story on Acceptance, I could see how, you know, even the doctor is, throughout his drinking behavior, is still also trying to control it. You know, his wife and the people and his family. And I can't remember doing that when I was drinking or using because I was so out of it, but I definitely did that when I stopped. The other thing I read that really resonated with me is something that Lois wrote, and it's in a book called The Voices of Women in AA, and that's an AA grapevine publication. And Lois goes through the steps and explains how she applied the steps of alcohol synonymous to her Al-Anon behavior.
And it was so great for me to read this. In step three, she talks about self-sufficiency. And when I came in, I was so lonely and isolated. And I truly believe that being self-sufficient was such an amazing thing and that I was so proud and that I had to continue to try to be self-sufficient. I now see this as a horrible symptom of both my alcoholism and my Al-Anon disease.
Because I need to ask for help. I need to ask for consultation. I need to ask for help. But it's my go-to to try to do it myself and to try to isolate myself. So attending the meetings, working with the sponsor, sponsoring other women, these are the ways working the steps that I try to address my disease because it's ongoing.
Like it never stops. I have to constantly be in the solution or getting back to the solution. So that's how it's worked for me. And in step four, Lois talks about that she thought she was being unselfish. And really she was just rationalizing her behavior to get her own way.
And she also talked about having on the ledger, like always feeling like she was owed, you know, the bill owed her because she was doing more. And she was the breadwinner. She was taking care of him. And he was always like at a deficit with her. And that is how I approached all my relationships.
And also it was very difficult for me and still is to accept gifts from you, accept kind words from you, to accept things from you because it makes me feel so uncomfortable. And so I feel much, much more comfortable if I'm doing something for you. So some of the gifts I've had in my sobriety, you know, I have this amazing son who was such a beautiful person. And when he was growing up, I was incredibly controlling of him. What a shock.
And he grew up to be this amazing person in spite of that. But one of the things he said to me when he was a teenager and I was trying to control his behavior and keep him from doing things that teenagers want to do is I feel like you don't trust me. And what a heartbreaking thing to hear from someone that you love so much. And I said to him, but I do trust you. I don't trust everyone else.
But how sad that that was my solution was to attempt to control an uncontrollable world, right? And that's what I did. And that is, or is some of the fallout that I've had to make a living amends to, to my son. And one of the things I learned in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous was everyone has their own higher power, whether they know it or not. And that includes my son.
And I do not need to manipulate him and try to control his life anymore. So I have a daily commitment to change and amend that behavior. And I recently had an opportunity. I constantly have opportunities to work on that. But the most recent opportunity and one of the gifts of my sobriety is my son was recently married.
And the whole process was such a beautiful process. I actively felt joy and I was actively able to let him and his fiance plan their wedding without me giving an opinion. To the most point, except for one time when I slept and I told my son, wouldn't do you want to shave your beard before your wedding? And he said, Mom, when I marry you, I'll shave my beard. But my fiance loves my beard.
And that was like the perfect answer because that's how cutting baffling and powerful my Al-Anon diseases is. I don't even realize I'm doing that or how messed up that is for me to suggest that he shave. But when I'm able to let go and just like deal joy for the decisions that he's making in his life, and then I can just be a part of it, that is a gift of sobriety and of working my Al-Anon program. And that's when I can really just be a part, like be one of many. Like I'm not more important than anyone who's in the wedding.
I'm just be feel so grateful to be there. And it's a beautiful thing. I've also been able to face some of the biggest fears that I had. I'm a cancer survivor and I went through all my treatment. And I really believe my higher power made sure I was in these rooms so that I could survive that.
And I needed it because I had to practice turning over that fear. It was really obvious to me that I was not in charge of what was happening and that I couldn't control it and that I had to listen to what my doctor had to say, listen to what my sponsors had to say because it was an overwhelming situation and all I could do was what I've learned in these rooms was show up, pray, meditate, and focus on the solution. And being of service. I found being of service, sponsoring other women, going to meetings, all of the things was so helpful during this time. And you know, AA and Alan and I just continue to be such an amazing positive force in my life.
You know, I don't always know what God's will for me is, but I know what it isn't. And it isn't for me to be trying to control and manipulate other people. And it's not for me to be drinking or using. But I do believe it is today that for me to be working the steps and to be seeking, as my AA sponsor says, to be seeking my higher power, that's all I have to do is be willing to do that. I brought, sure, a lot of work to do.
But some of the things that my AA sponsor has told me is that we see spiting anyone or anything, including alcohol, and that I don't need to get in the gutter and roll around anymore. So I'm so grateful for all of you and for Kathleen for asking me to speak. And thank you.