A continuación se muestra una transcripción en bruto en inglés de la grabación de audio de
Dean S. en 2024.(Haga clic para regresar)
My name is Dean and I am an alcoholic. And it's a bit overwhelming, but there's so many people in this room that I love and so many people I don't know that I love. And I want to thank everybody that's put this conference on, man, it's no small thing. It takes a lot of work. There's a lot of tired faces today.
So thank you very much. I want to thank Kathleen and the Speaker's selection committee for even considering me to chair. So thank you. And I'm just, Michelle was telling me before the meeting and many other people are there to just speak from your heart. And it's hard for me to get vulnerable and to really let you see who I am.
Because I'm an ugly crier. And I think, and it's something that's pretty cray-ish, right? And I better get one of those. And you know, something, I just want to ask a couple questions. Because this is so important to me.
Is there anybody in here? And please, you know, don't have to raise your hand if you don't want to. Having a hard time was staying sober. And is there anybody in here that wanted to check out and not live before they got to this program? You know, we are here, you know, we're living.
We're living and not dying. And for, you know, something, I want to be the kind of AA member that you might not like, but you could trust. You could come to me and you know that I would be there. Because that's my, that's this. When I got to AA, that was the whole thing.
When I came into this program, I was dying. I was 23 years old and I was dying. I was, I felt older. I just turned 62 and just was accepted to have Social Security, which I find is a really big honor. And I feel, I felt older at 23 than I do today.
I was half dead. And I know people's stories in this room. And man, the hell that is alcoholism. We look. We look awful.
I mean, we just do out there, right? And it's just not pretty. Just watch an episode of cops, right? And it's just ugly. And for us to be sitting in here sober and loving each other and stepping up to read something, but it's not even like, wasn't even on your radar.
You know, that's the deal. That's the, that we say yes. You know, we don't say no because we don't have any other. Every time I look over there, my wife and my kid, I want to cry. So I just, I'm not going to do that for a minute.
And so I just, man, so we're just, we're sitting here living. And so I just guess we'll get started with my first drink. And my first drink was half can of Old English 800 with my brother. And my brother was, it was the best drunk, my only social drink ever. And not even because I chose that is because they wouldn't give me anymore.
And so my alcoholism for me is centered around fear. You know, I took a drink at about 12 and it wasn't so much self loathing. I just, but it was more just fear that something bad was going to happen. It was going to happen. And so when I took that drink, I was over in this backyard with my brother and two other his friends.
Today, my brothers passed away from this disease at 48. And one of the other guys passed away at 41 because of this disease. And the other one is homeless, lives over in this park over by my parents in Modesto, California. This is a real disease, you know. And I'm the only one out of there that got sober out of that first drink.
And they were a couple years older than me. And what it did for me was it took away the fear. And so it did the thing that I wanted it to do. And I had no idea that that was even possible to not have fear. And so it just changed my changed how I lived and I chased that drink from then on.
And so up until I'm proud to say that I never passed one class in high school. And I lived in a family that they actually, it was okay to do that and you could do that. And as long as you didn't cause too many problems, you could not go to school, whatever. Right? Because everybody was partying.
So I got to the jumping off place and it was right before I went into the Navy and I was going to run away. I was a couple months after I turned 17 and I was going to run away and or whatever that was. And because I had no place to go, couldn't stay at home. I couldn't. You know, I could not.
Their school was done. Right? There's no way I was going to catch up or anything. So that was done. So I escaped in the military and thank God that they didn't drink very much in the military and saved my life.
Well, you know what? It did save my life because it gave me enough structure. It gave me enough structure to save me. I knew what the line, at least where the line was, right? And everybody was, no, 85 to 90 percent.
Everybody was drunk. But that was my perception. And so my perception of life is just totally screwed. You know, I do not know how to do life. I didn't know how to do life from 12 and before and I didn't know how to do life from 12 before I went in the Navy.
I had no clue. Like I was missing something, right? But when I drank, I got it. It was like the thing, it put everything together. So I still didn't know how to do it, but I absolutely didn't care.
I felt like I was at my best, 99. 99 percent in denial. I always had one little thing. I would see one little thing once in a while that I would go, oh, I might, something might be going, oh, and I would just shut it off as fast as I could and lock it down. So I did that for about nine years.
Went through the Navy, got out of the Navy and then the Navy, you know, just drank and just it was the best part of my drinking because everybody was just, it seemed, it screwed up as I was, right? There was, you know, some guys that were squared away and the whole thing, but I didn't hang out with them, right? And so it was acceptable. And so then I got out and I got out and I was right where I left off before I went in. No, I wasn't.
I was worse. And I was worse emotionally and I was worse. I just never matured at all. There was no life lesson. I was absolutely as drunk as I could be as much as I could be every night.
And I would only stop because I only stopped because I was either too hung over or had to take a break or was in jail. And so I got to AA through the court system. I got a nudge from the judge and I didn't know anything about AA and, god dang it, you know, they did. The first day I had my first car, I was about six months out of the military. I got my first DUI.
So I didn't drive a lot before. I didn't drive drunk a lot. I drove about eight hours drunk and that was about it. And so, you know, I couldn't make anything work. I didn't want any responsibility.
I said, when I got out of the military, I didn't want a girlfriend. I didn't want a car. I didn't want anything that was going to get in the way of my drinking. And I knew as soon as I got it, I knew who I was. And I thought I was a loser.
I thought that I was just effective and that I just was a bad person. I knew there were good parts of me, but I just felt like I just didn't fit in this planet. And you know, there's only one way to go if you're there. And you know, I just knew in my gut that I would get to a point. I was going to go on as long as I could and I was going to get to a point where the roads went intersect and I would have to check out.
And I calculated that date. And I calculated it at being 21 or 22. I really didn't think I could, at the pace I was going, make it beyond 21 or 22. And you know something? I was right.
I never actually realized that. So it all started coming apart. I started, you know, really it was going to jail that really messed me up. It wasn't my drinking too bad. But they sent me these AA meetings.
And so I remember my first AA meeting. I drove up to the front. I drove up to the front. I of course I showed up five minutes late and they were clapping. Okay.
And this AA meeting was in the building that the bar that I drank in, O'Brien's, was in. So it was O'Brien's. And when I was drinking in O'Brien's before I had to go to the AA meetings, I knew where the AA meeting, well, where the AA classes were. And because we'd make fun of them in the bar. All the losers going to the AA meeting.
Or whatever. We didn't know what it was, but it was just some weirdos going to the, going to the next door and doing weird stuff. And we had a guy one time run into the, run into the bar and in slimes fist down, give me a drink, give me a drink. And we're all like, what's your problem, man? Because it was our watering hole, right?
And these guys, AA guys, I guess came in and grabbed him. And said, get the hell out. We're like, and they, and they go out. And we're like, we all look at each other and go freaking losers, man. And, and it was just a weird setup.
And so I knew where to go. So I, I showed up there and, and I, they started clapping and I'm like, oh, those are, what is this? I'm kind of, what are they clapping about? The AA classes, right? It was supposed to be a class.
It wasn't supposed to be somebody like celebrating something. And, and I, so I just drove the bar, just the other side of the thing and drank. And so I did this and so I eventually got to an AA meeting, my first AA meeting, I, oh man, oh, I didn't like it at all. Because I was hurting. My life was falling apart, but I thought I was just a loser, right?
And kind of a drunk and, and, and, you know, all my other buddies, like I was, I was the least likely to succeed in my group. And that is no kidding. Everybody had a car, everybody had maybe a girlfriend or this or that. And I had nothing. I didn't want anything.
And, and I see some of those guys today and they, they see me and they go, you are, you are not supposed to make it. You are not supposed to be where you are. And I look, it's a lot of them and, and some of them are, are passed away because of drinking. And, and I'm like, wow, what was I doing? Where was I at?
If there's not, if there's not a God in heaven, I'll tell you that there's no reason I should be where I am today. I'll get to that a little bit more in my story. But, but so I go to this, the AA meetings and every time I went, well, my first meeting, I heard some stuff that you guys were saying. I didn't want to hear your stuff, man. And, and, and you talked like I thought, I never heard any, there was no bar I ever went to, no party I'd ever gone to where somebody, I heard somebody, I heard somebody go, I would be talking like I thought.
I was probably right there with a bunch of alcohol, I know I was, I was there with a bunch of alcoholics that thought just like I did, but we didn't share that for nothing. You weren't going to share that with your, you know, and well, the problem was I went to some AA meetings and I started kind of like when I was drunk, quoting some AA stuff. And my party buddies did not like that. And they didn't dig that at the bar and, and I would just get one was incomprehensible demoralization. And I said, and I swear all night, I was like, oh, incomprehensible demoral, incomprehensible demoralization.
And they're like, what is happening? They took my ass home and they left me there. And, but it was like, and that's the thing. So it's the truth, right? And the truth was starting to get in.
And the miracle of AA was starting to get in and, and it's what I was living. It's what I was and just didn't know it. It just had no clue, complete denial of what I was. I had no idea. I thought it was just a bad person.
I didn't understand that I was an alcoholic. And so I went for about six months, nine months, and a couple more DUIs, of course. And a couple driving on suspended license. Well, I never even really had a license, but they suspended it. I didn't have a license and I got my first DUI.
So they, so they really, they suspended it before I had it. It was a weird thing, right? And the judge was even confused. And, and so I go along. And so my bottom was, it was, I went on a like that for about nine months.
Going to some meetings and this and a blur and it just got worse and worse and worse. And so I, it was a Wednesday night and I was walking home. I left the rock shop, whatever, right? Some bar in Modesto. And, and I, some people asked me to go party and I had a moment of clarity and I, and I thought about going back in and getting a beer.
And this gal came up and said, Hey, let's go party. And I'm like, that's not going to work. And I was, I was done. And so the reason I like to ask, you know, about, you know, thinking about checking out and stuff, because that is a real, a reality for us. And so many of us choose that path.
And you know, I just want to say this before I lose it, that we will do anything for each other. Like I was saying before, we'll, we'll sit there and because we need it, right? That program is so beautiful. It's because I help people because I need it, right? And, and that's all this whole thing was set up.
Nobody owes anybody anything. And we'll sit there with each other all night if we need to. And we'll look at tough stuff, man, and share shit with people that is, that will keep us from going and killing ourselves. This is a, for me, this is, this is life and death. We're not a glum lot.
Anybody that knows me knows I like to joke around too much, a lot. Maybe some, maybe not too much, but it's hard to tell. But, but I am so grateful that I don't have to live in that hell anymore. You know, it is so the lack of hope, the despair. I don't ever, and it scares me, you know, and my sobriety date is December 13th of 87.
And I was sober about a year and a half before that. But I will get to that. But, you know, and I was talking with Chelsea a little bit earlier and, you know, just about that I have to work this program. I'm not right. There's a twist of character.
I have something in me that wants to go dark. I mean, it just does. But I have a way of living today. And this AA for me, the AA way of life is, it's my penicillin. I mean, it's my medication for the disease I have.
I just need to be willing to plug it in. And so, I'm walking home from that bar. And I, and my father had some guns at home and I was, you know, kind of just stand with him or whatever. And on the way home, I mean, walking home, I said, you know, God, I was going home to kill myself. I was done.
It wasn't to be dramatic or anything like that. I needed peace. I needed some peace. I would live in hell, really, for like nine years. And I said the most powerful prayer I've ever said was, God, if you're going to help me, you better help me now.
Because when I get home, I'm done. And I was doing it. And it wasn't the words. It was the surrender in my heart. It's the, I feel like step one is so personal between you and your creator.
That we, God knows my heart. I don't have to say the words, the words important, of course. But it's that surrender in my heart. And I know in between me and my creator if I'm surrendered or not. And it's a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition.
And I try to live that way. And something happened. And I had whatever you want to call it a bright light experience or whatever. And every step of the way before I got home, I felt a little better. I felt a little better, a little better.
And I started feeling hopeful. And I'm telling you, but it was a five, ten minute walk. So the time I got to my dad's house, I was filled with joy and hope. And that I was drunk. There was nothing I was doing that was meaningful or good.
Really, really. I just was a wort on the butt of society, you know. And all I had and kept getting this overwhelming message, just call Max. Just call Max. Just call Max in this guy.
I met him in a meeting and he reached out. He gave me his number when I didn't want it. And so I urge anybody when he, right, he stuffed in my pocket or something, but he looked like Abraham Lincoln. I swear to you, it was like this dunkred guy. And all he was missing was a stovepipe hat.
And so I remembered him. And so I try to, every meeting I go to, I look for people that are standing over in the corner, don't kind of look quite like, I'm a little this and that. And we know them when they come in, most of the time they get bombarded with people, you know. But I don't care, you know. And it's important.
You just don't know. And he did that. He did that for me. And I called Max the next day and Max came and he got me and took me to a meeting. And I was in that meeting for, I went to that, and there's about four or five young people and I'd watch him go around, you know, and in eight, this was 1986.
And they, so they came up to me and I'd been mad dogging them. And I'm like, don't you look at me, don't you talk to me? I'd sit in the back. You ain't going to do it. And they did.
And I'd like four or five of the young people came up to me and they said, hey, this is a Modesto. We're going to an AA convention in Monterey. And it was the NCCAA convention in 1986 on Labor Day. And so I'm sitting here. If this is not full circle, I don't know what.
How does a person get from there? My first weekend of sobriety was at this convention and I had no idea what a convention was. What's a convention? I knew what a convention was, but not AA, where every bunch of happy people are around. And I didn't want any part of that.
But I was desperate and I asked my father for $100 to go to this convention to stay in this hotel. And for the first time in a decade, I knew I wasn't going to spend that money on alcohol. I knew it in my heart. And that was my first weekend of sobriety. And so how does a person get from there to here?
And that's really what I want to focus on is like what AA has done. How AA has not just saved my life, but transformed my life. It's saved me. I found God through AA. I tried a lot of other stuff.
When I come into an AA meeting, every single meeting, I feel better. Last night, I was, there's some family stuff going on. And I needed to go to a meeting. And I need to be willing to get here. And because I still have that thing in me.
And I got here. And I felt better when I left last night. It's a big miracle, right? But man, that willingness to get to the willingness, like we pay the price, we earn our seats. To be here.
If somebody feels like they don't really belong here or something, you don't get here by accident. You've earned your seat to be here. And just let us love you some. Let us love you some until you can love yourself. So after that weekend, I'm in AA, right?
And so we're doing AA. And so I was doing AA and AA, the whole social, that was 23. And so my prediction was almost right. My life did end almost at 21 or 22. My former life, my life's never been the same since I hit step one and I surrendered.
And we lived two lives. The life before, alcoholics, anonymous and sobriety. Totally different set of morals and values and everything. And a whole flip flop to be one of the people that actually get to come here and stay here for a little while is a huge, it's a miracle. Where miracles, how many of us out there don't make it?
You know? And so just to be here together is quite a thing. And so for what I did though, I got into AA and I got into all the, and I was 23 and there, so I failed to expand my spiritual life. And that's not true. I was growing some, right?
But I didn't want to give up some character defects. I still like the, I was just as addicted to the party lifestyle and everything that went with it. Because all my character defects loved and all that stuff, right? And so I knew I needed to be sober. And I wanted to be sober and I had changed all my friends, right?
And letting go of my lifelong high school party, well I didn't go to high school, right? And people that kind of pretended with me to go to high school and just like from grade school and everything, these guys were my party buddies for a long time. I couldn't hang with them anymore. I couldn't do it. If to do that, I would die.
And it's, and being young, it is a hard trend, you know, for me, and I've seen a lot of other young people get sober. It's a hard transition, you know, to make, to let go of those party friends. And I think for anybody, maybe, right? I just have been talking about my perspective. And so I did it.
Actually, I got on the other side of it and these young A-A guys and gals that we, you know, stayed sober together and we ran around together. And that's why I'm so, you know, that's where I started. And that's why I'm, I get so jazzed up with young people's meetings and stuff, you know, because it's where I started. And, and, but I didn't, I still had some character defects I was acting on. And so I'm, it's out about 15 months, I drank again.
And I didn't want to drink, but I wasn't willing to change some things I was doing. And so I can't, I am a perfect example of somebody that could not continue to practice the old party lifestyle in A-A. It doesn't work. And that's my opinion and experience. And so I drank.
The problem was I didn't want to. And then I was drunk. And here's the thing that alcoholism grew inside of me. It grew inside of me and it was 10 times worse than that night that I hit bottom. And it scared the hell out of me.
And so what I am when I drink, you know, I'm, I will get in my car and I will drive. And I will hurt somebody. And what happens to me when I drink alcohol, I don't care about your safety. I only care about what is good for me. I don't want to hurt you, but I have no thought about what is good for you.
And that's something that just clicks off when I put that drink. And that's why I turned back into, and I scared me and I didn't want to be that person. I wanted the life of A-A. And so after like about a day and a half of drinking, I surrender. And I surrender.
And in a day and a half of drinking, I lost everything I had accumulated financially. I got a little car and I got a little apartment and I just lost all that just in a weekend. And I deserved to. I drank with my boss and then called in sick for a week. So I guess I earned it.
But they don't like that kind of thing. And so, but what happened was that's where my life really began. Because I moved to San Luis Obispo after a couple weeks. And what happened there was that I had to stop doing what I didn't have to. I wanted to stop doing what I was doing.
I didn't want to be doing the stuff I was doing. And there, you know, I had to look at my sex conduct and I had to look at looking at parts of me. And I want to say this, you know, I had to start looking at some childhood stuff. And at that time, and I had to really start owning the pain I was feeling inside. I still wanted to do the A-A party the first 15 months.
But and not really do the work on myself to heal. I just wanted to A-A dance it and the whole thing. And so I got sober. I mean, I got sober. And then the floodgates were open.
And then that's where I started to really grow and heal. And so I lived there for a couple years. And I worked on this stuff. And I had to change the things I was doing. And it was one of the most beautiful times I didn't go to school.
I just worked on myself. I just worked the steps. And then I was doing another 12-step program for some stuff. And I really started to feel better. And you know, I'm a big advocate if anybody needs to get any outside help that talks about it in the big book.
Do it. Do it. I've worked on all kinds of different things I've needed to. But ultimately I'm an alcoholic. And so I go into then I come back home to Modesto after a couple years.
That was a big healing time. And then I met my wife, my first wife. And so in 1990 I got married. And that marriage really, so I had a lot. I didn't know how to be in relationships.
I didn't know how to, I was a hostage taker and I wasn't a good partner, right? And you know, the one thing about alcoholics and anonymous. And you know, as I look back and through my story is that just the periods of growth and being willing to hang in there and being willing to, there's, there's, I'll get a little drink of water here. I believe, well for me in my sobriety there's been about four or five times where I've had to decide whether I'm going to give something up or I'm going to stay sober or drink, give something up or drink. And I've had about four or five of those.
The first one was that marriage. And then I went back to school and got married just about the same time. One was in school. I had to decide a school got so heavy duty that I was willing to let it go. I went back to school as an amends and I was willing to let school go if I needed to to stay sober.
But I didn't act on it and then, then I didn't have to and I got to keep going. So what happened was my wife, I met her in sobriety and she had gone back out and we moved to Capitola and I was living in a drinking marriage and I was dying inside. I was having stuff come up inside of me that I just couldn't, I couldn't deal with. And so at that time a gentleman came into my life and it was getting to one of those jumping off places where I couldn't live with the feeling that I was having. And we started to, he started to work the steps with me and in a way that so I need solutions.
Right? And so I got to a point and that really showed me and so I stayed in that marriage a couple of years and it really made me dig. If I was going to stay in the program, I needed to get some solutions, get some relief. And so this is where this gentleman started working the steps with me and that saved my life. And it's helped me become the person that I am today in AA.
And what he helped me do was to see my actions versus my thoughts. And I got to look through the steps of alcoholics and not only apply those to what was going on in that relationship. And eventually, and I kept doing that and kept doing that. And for the first time in my life, I didn't leave. I stayed because I brought stuff to that table and I didn't want to keep recreating my part.
And so I was looking at my part over and over and over. And Leslie and I were talking the other day and we were talking about how we've grown in some areas and we were like, man, how do we do it? And we're really thinking about it because we're just looking at things over and over and over and keep working on it and keep working out one day at a time. And so I was able to get to a place where I, see, I thought I knew what was best for her. I thought I knew what was best for anybody.
I was very judgmental and things like that. And I had to kind of like give that up. And what happened was by me staying, not trying to seek relief in a different way, turning completely into the steps and helping others and the steps and helping others, I grew and I started growing and I didn't need another person to fix me. I'm totally, you know, I'm an alcoholic addict and I just want anything to fix me. But I didn't know how to be in a decent relationship, you know, because I was just selfish and I wanted what I wanted.
I was sober, but you know what, sober wasn't enough. At that, it just wasn't enough to keep me sober. And so I can't stay in pain too long. I need a way to like work these steps, get to my side of the street and to make an amends and help my, help another person. And I've never been disappointed.
I've never felt, I've never felt worse. I've gotten the answers that I'm looking for in life for me through Alcoholics Anonymous by owning my stuff and turning my attention to somebody I can help. And so eventually that marriage, I was able to get to a point where I released her in my heart, I didn't release her any other way. And I released her in my heart and then it ended shortly after that, the marriage ended. And she never got sober.
She ended up drinking herself to death. And you know, we have people in our lives that we know, you know, that have done that. But I'm willing to stay sober no matter what. And so then, so I'm separated and, or not separated, but we're getting into divorce and then I was in Capitola and then I'm going to meetings and then I meet Leslie in a meeting. And you know something, for the first time I didn't need somebody to fix me.
You know, I want, I was going to do AA. I was going to do sobriety. It was number one, number one, number one. And that was it. And when we started our relationship, and for me, I want and desire to be intimate with other people, you know, and for them to get to know me and me know them and be the real me, right?
And I just don't know how to do that on my own. And for the first time by sitting there, it was three years while my first wife was drinking and I just kept hammering the steps and hammering them. And what I mean by hammering them was looking at my part, simply working the steps and it is as simple as that. But when it's directly working on something that is hitting me right in my core, it's not easy and that is where we need each other. I need other people.
I need other AA members to do this with, right? And so then it was the first time in my life that I didn't need somebody to fix me. We were there. We'd be going out of our, we'd be dressed up to go on a date or something and then we'd have our foot out of the, going out of the doorway and the phone would ring. And we'd go, oh, it's going to be a sponsor.
It's going to be, dang it, and it sure would be. And you know what? There's a lot of times when we went and worked with sponsors, they all dressed up. And they were like, what do you all dressed up for? Oh, no, no, don't worry about it.
And you know, so that is, since that time to now, you know, that's how I got here. That's really, I feel where my, where my, the sweet spot of my life has been. So don't stop before the miracles over. Don't stop working the steps. Don't stop working on yourself.
And I feel until you can get to a place, Renee said this the other day in a meeting that, that keep working the steps, keep doing this until you want to. And that was my walk to period point in my first marriage. And I had to do it before, but then the results I got by turning my life and my will over to my higher power completely. You know, turning my life over to this program completely. And I do it now because it gives me relief.
And I don't have to, I don't have to wait for the relief for a week or something. This program is beautiful, you know. And we're doing this together. And I just want to continue doing this together. And so I just kind of want to end with this.
And I'm going to try to try to hold it together, but you know. So I have my wife, I have my son here. We have a sober family. There's members of our family that weren't sober and didn't make it. Few of them.
But you know the ones I hang around, the ones I have that mean the most to me are the ones that are sober and working the steel, right? And so to have a sober family is a miracle. And I want to do my part. I want to keep doing this thing one day at a time. I want to just, my desire of my life is to freakin end up just the last part of my life to stay in this thing.
And I just want to be a part of this more and more. And you know, so Will and I were talking the other day. And he said that he wants to be like me. So what the hell? I mean, what the hell?
If I to be a kind of person that your son wants to be like, the guy that is just a loser that doesn't go to high school, that's just selling dope in the smoking area and that's my big highlight of my day, you know, I have it made. I don't want to forget it. And I keep coming back to AA because this is my home. This is what I want to do the rest of my life. And I can do a bunch of other things from this, but this is number one.
And my wish is that everybody in this room would stay sober and the rest of their lives. I would want that. You know what? It's possible. Why in the hell isn't it possible?
It is possible. AA gives us a way so we don't have to go out there. And the people that we will affect because we got to work with them, right? And the beautiful thing about this program is that I work with people because I need it. I don't have to be any kind of like anything.
I don't got to know anything. I just want to be of service. That is it, man. And I just don't. I just, you know, there's so many people in this room that I love.
And so I just want to end with that today, one day at a time, you know, if I don't, I just know one thing. If I don't go to bed drunk, I won't wake up drunk. Somebody told me that. That's two things simple for me. And with that, I'm going to close.
But thank you for your time.